(A course for the young women of the Church, 1908-09.)

Ethical Studies: Conversation.

(For February 9, 1909.)

“Wise, cultivated, genial conversation is the last flower of civilization, and the best result which life has to offer us. Conversation is our account of ourselves. All we have, all we can, all we know is brought into play, and as the reproduction in finer form of all our havings.” — R. W. Emerson.

Value of Conversation. Among all the arts and accomplishments a woman can possess, none is of greater value than the art of conversation. Through it, as in music or art, she can express her higher, best self in a pleasing manner; and there are many more opportunities for its use as all human beings spend a great part of their time talking. The better the conversation, the more profitably the time is spent; the more pleasing its subjects and manner of delivery, the greater the pleasure in life. Any accomplishment is valuable for the pleasure it gives the gifted directly through its practice and indirectly through the pleasure it brings to others. A charming manner and agreeable speech win favor, everywhere making friends and determining to a great extent success or failure. A polite reply or a short conversation of well-chosen well-spoken words has often brought numberless opportunities of doing good, and of advancing one’s interests, or of opening new avenues : for an acquaintance may become a friend. The brief talk having aroused the interest and admiration, he cultivates further acquaintance. True politeness is never lost and it is largely a matter of good speech for the good heart speaks more effectually through it.

Appearance, words, and actions are the outward manifestations of the inward heart and mind. By them we are judged, liked or disliked, praised or condemned. Though “actions speak louder than words,”the words are in greater number and have an audience more often. Nearly all the knowledge about us that many people have is gained through conversation. They are not intimate friends who touch our lives closely, yet not strangers, but people whom we meet occasionally on the street, in the cars, or at parties for only a short time, converse for a few minutes, and part, perhaps, for many months. We all know scores of persons to that extent. What we know of them and the pleasure of their association are derived from conversation. It is highly important that we are able to chat with them to our mutual pleasure and good.

Many a girl is misjudged and prejudices aroused against her that much labor may not counteract by her thoughtless talk. A good, well-meaning girl may be overheard in such light, giddy conversation that she is stamped as a shallow, trifling character.

Through conversation many of our best gains are made. By the free interchange of opinions the mind acquires new ideas, and by the frequent exercise of its power, the understanding gains fresh vigor. Conversation helps to shape our thoughts. In the “brain are ideas vague and indefinite that become complete and clear when we try to give them expression. Thought is thus crystalized. How often we hear some one exclaim, “I know in my mind what I want to say, but I can’t tell it.” Such a person does not know definitely what she wants to say and she realizes it when she tries to voice it. Talking is the best remedy for such difficulties. By the effort the thoughts become clearer and increase in number, the speaker grows in brain power and gains confidence in her conversational ability. People of cultivated minds enjoy each other’s society in proportion as they are able to receive and impart ideas. Ignorant people chat and simper.

Art of Listening. It has been said that nature has given to listening men one tongue, but two ears, that we may hear from others twice as much as we speak. There is an art in listening with attention. Politeness demands it and a conversation of much depth or merit requires it. A good listener is usually popular. It is little less than an insult to a speaker for one to show inattention by restlessness. Nothing is more mortifying to one who is trying to tell a story or relate a fact than to find the eyes of the assembled company, one or a score, wandering, and the attention distracted by every passing sound. Look at the speaker, listen with the eyes with the poise of the head, and with the concentration of the whole mind and body. Give a tactful word and a timely laugh when occasion requires. Show that you are following the thought. Brilliant, talented persons sometimes are unpopular because they monopolize the conversation, becoming restless and nervous while others talk; showing undue eagerness to take part, they often interrupt. If a listener has lost the thread of the conversation, she should not show it by asking an irrelevant question, nor by continuing the subject of some time past. Any intrusion into a conversation should be avoided. If a speaker misstates a fact do not interrupt her in the middle of a sentence. Wait until a pause occurs, then correct it politely; do not deny it roughly. It is rude to attempt to assist a person in expressing her ideas by suggesting words unless she displays a desire for it. The inference is that you think her incapable of carrying on her share in the discussion. A good listener then creates a favorable impression and gains much, as her mind is in a condition to readily grasp the ideas presented. Moody silence is to be avoided and there are idle silences for which account must be made.

“Conversation being a joint and common property, every one should take part in it; and yet there may be societies in which silence is our best contribution.”

Voice. What a wonderful power a sweet, modulated voice possesses! Its charm is irresistible. We listen to it for its pleasing effect upon the ear, though what is said is often commonplace and uninteresting. Good or bad impressions are made upon us not only by what people speak but by the tones of the conversation, too. We are often attracted or repulsed by a speaker’s voice before we have fully heard what she has to say. Some are gifted by nature with a pleasing, musical voice, while others naturally possess a coarse, heavy one. One can be overcome to a certain extent, and the other cultivated. Habits of thought and traits of disposition are indicated in a marked degree by the voice, as she who is habitually cross and out of temper expresses her thoughts in ill-natured tones. Some drawl, others speak in a quick, jerky manner, some talk in a high, squeaky key, others utter low, growling tones. Some talk too loudly, bordering on boisterousness, others, and it is common with girls, speak too low to be distinctly heard. A good voice speaks clearly, distinctly and loud enough to be heard by all taking part in the conversation. The possession of a good voice is very fortunate, as it is one of nature’s choicest gifts. Many of her difficulties in the social world are already overcome, but all can and should cultivate the voice by thought, practice, and self-control. In its control lies great power. One whose feelings are irritated loses sympathy with her hearers and command of their admiration when she cannot restrain her voice from irritability. Annoyance is thus so frequently displayed in answering questions. The words may be civil enough, but the tone indicates the feelings and another is hurt or offended. It is not always what is said as much as the tones in which it is said. The loud, impatient, high-pitched voice constantly grates on the ear and affects the nerves of the hearers. Solomon said, “It is better to dwell in the corner of the house top than in a wide house with a brawling woman.”

It is of great value to be able to give a rebuke in a stem voice or a command in such tones that it will be obeyed. The voice is a good disciplinarian. A tongue that governs others must be governed itself. The voice either adds or detracts from the thought expressed as the speaker can use it. It should be expressive. A monotonous voice kills interest in any subject, no matter how entertaining.

Subjects of Conversation. “Every idle word that men shall speak they shall give an account thereof in the day of judgment; for by thy words thou shall be justified and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.”

What we say is of great importance to ourselves and to others. It is worthy our best effort and should be the expression of our best selves. We owe it to ourselves and to society to converse well on some good, sensible topics. The subjects for any conversation should be selected with reference to the tastes of the company. What is interesting to one may afford no pleasure to another and it is rude to inflict a disagreeable topic upon anyone. Tact is required to adapt one’s self to the tastes and wishes of others. By an effort conversation may be made instructive and delightful or it may drift into scattered remarks of no value nor interest, more often of harmful effect. Some do not trouble themselves to tell instructive, pleasing facts, while others have not thought nor read sufficiently to talk well. One must have something to say and forget self in saying it. There must be a stock of definite information, some valuable ideas well thought out. They may be gained from books, magazines and newspapers of the day. Learn to discuss questions of present public interest, matters relating to art and music, or affairs of local moment. Keep apace with some great movements in the world. Be able to talk intelligently on home topics. Can you exchange some useful facts in domestic science with a friend? Can you relate an adventure in an entertaining manner or make a traveling experience interesting to others? Can you tell a story well? There is an art in it. Some who are not brilliant nor versatile conversationalists are entertaining because of their ability to tell a story well. Everyone likes a. tale whether short or long. Some always have a short story to illustrate any subject. They emphasize the thought and are more lasting in their impressions. Many a delightful evening may be spent in exchanging stories or describing plays. We may thus become familiar with some of the best in literature. Other times original tales might be told.

A studied, stilted conversation is to be avoided. No one enjoys it. Deep subjects are not always appropriate. To feel that one has studied just to talk is disagreeable. Spontaneity is charming, that which comes, to the mind on the spur of the moment is most refreshing, but it is well to have a store house to draw upon. Profound learning is not a requisite to pleasant conversation. A girl’s charm is largely her animation, her vim, and her cheerfulness. A warm heart and an active mind guided by tact will direct her words.

Unless guarded, conversation so frequently drifts into gossip, faultfinding, and kindred evils. They possess an interest for human beings, and it is so easy to take part in their discussion. But too much cannot be said against the evils of gossip and slander. Many whose minds do not soar above scandal consider their time of so little value that they spend a great portion of it dissecting friends and neighbors. Curiosity is a strong trait of human nature and usually it is the desire to satisfy it that leads to this baneful practice. Untold harm is done by the gossip-monger, for most often the truth is not strictly adhered to, and even if nothing but the truth is told, it would most often be kinder to leave it unsaid. It is cruel to add to another’s misfortune by constantly reminding her of it or increase the suffering by repeating the fact until it is proclaimed far and wide. The tale grows as it is spoken by one to another. What was a harmless comment may shortly become a damaging story. A good reputation is impaired, if not completely torn and shattered, by idle gossip. In a crowd how common is the practice of telling something in the life of another not present, something she has said or done, a condition in her life, or event that has happened to her, and then follow comments and opinions from all the company on it. Usually they are adverse criticisms, though some have the courage to defend a friend thus caught and maligned. What right have we to judge of another? ”Judge not, that ye be not judged!” What do we know of the actual underlying facts in the case, or of the mental, moral, and physical conditions the girl has to contend with? How do we know what we should have done for we are not acquainted with all the elements in the case? The conversation results in an injured reputation and the wounded feelings of a fellow-being who usually learns something of the talk. The pleasure of the moment does not compensate in any degree for the harm done and the gossip habit grows with each tale told. It becomes a passion with some to always have a new item to tell. Another common evil practice in our every-day talk is fault-finding. It, too, soon claims its victim who regards it as her privilege or duty to criticise everything she meets, from the common little home happenings to large affairs of which she knows nothing. Sometimes she regards this habit as a mark of superiority. “A fool can find fault, but it takes a genius to correct it.” She probably would not change conditions if she could, yet her whole conversation is made gloomy by this spirit. The one who can comment favorably on the bright side makes herself and others happier. She who speaks pleasantly to a passing friend of the blue sky and the bright sun overhead, ignoring the mud and slush under foot, is making more out of life.

As a rule very confidential subjects should not be discussed. They should be sacredly guarded from the ears of many as they belong to only a few. Hesitate to tell a secret if it is yours, and no lady will reveal that of a friend who has trusted her.

Be careful not to make yourself the sole topic of conversation. Your joys and sorrows, your affairs and experiences may be interesting to you, but tiresome to your friends. How often we are bored by one who habitually talks about her health. She is reminded of some phase of it by everything she hears and refers to it again when entirely foreign to the subject. Unless it is a very personal conversation between friends, subordinate self. Avoid the frequent use of “I,” “I think,” and “I told you so.” Do not set yourself up as a standard.

Ridicule of places or persons is seldom an appropriate subject. A jest that carries a sting in it can never give a pleasant sensation to the object. Few like to have their faults or mishaps turned into ridicule before others. A laugh at their expense is hard for some to enjoy, though one should not be too sensitive over a little merriment on such occasions. It is better to control the desire to be witty or clever when the feelings of others are at stake.

With many girls the subjects of dress and boys occupy far too much of the time. It is natural to talk of them to some extent, but devotion of thought and speech to them is deplorable. It is a waste of time and cultivates frivolity and light-mindedness.

Vulgar subjects should be rigidly avoided. Do not relate the immoral story nor tell the smutty joke. Even if only girls are present, keep the conversation pure and chaste. Upon one occasion as an officer in the Union forces came into camp, he said that he had such a rich story to tell, adding, “There are no ladies present, are there?”

“No,” said General Grant, looking the officer squarely in the eye, “but there are gentlemen present.”

Appropriate Places for Conversation. Even the choicest of conversation is not appropriate to every occasion. Lengthy, profound discussion between a few people in a corner is decidedly out of place in a company whose entertainment depends upon all taking part in an animated, lively conversation. It is rude to interfere with the plans of a hostess by talking at length upon a pet hobby or to devote one’s self to a particular friend in the party, ignoring the presence of others. It is the duty of the guest to enter into the plans of the hostess, whether they include general conversation or games. Personal remarks about the absent are especially unfitted to such places.

Poor taste is displayed by talking of private affairs to any one in public places. There is a chance for too many auditors. Have you not unavoidably heard many a conversation on the car that was not intended for you? Have you sat in front of a couple in a public gathering whose confidential chat you overheard? In such a way remarks about people reach the ears of relatives or friends. It is a dangerous practice. One young man, waiting in a drug store for a car, overheard two men who. did not know him talking of his sister. At an entertainment a girl made an uncomplimentary remark about the personal appearance of a performer. She was greatly embarrassed later to find that the lady in front of her was the mother of the child. Have we not had similar experiences?

When on the street, in the car, or any public place, we should avoid subjects that excite us, for our voice and manner soon attract the attention of others. It is most unladylike to talk in a loud voice in any gathering just for the purpose of drawing attention, hoping to show cleverness by some wit or ridicule. Subjects that provoke much laughter or giggling are well not spoken of in public places. Talking at length on street corners with boy friends is improper. Entertain them at home.

Refinement in Conversation. A truly refined person knows what subjects to talk upon, and selects proper places to speak of them. She is careful of her language, not studied, nor affected, for affectation is not culture. Refinement speaks so plainly in the language employed. The use of accurate and elegant forms of expression stamp the speaker. The best English is expressed by simple words in any easy, natural arrangement. Big words or stilted forms of speech are not necessary to good language. Well-chosen words clearly and distinctly pronounced are pleasing. All are not fortunate enough to possess a good education, but every girl now-a-days has some knowledge of grammar to enable her to speak properly. Carelessness rather than a lack of knowledge is responsible for a girl’s saying “I seen.” If anxious to learn one can improve her grammar and increase her vocabulary by listening attentively to people who speak correctly. Exaggeration in conversation is a common error. It often employs poor English and its habitual use lessens the force of the remarks. Strong expressions are used to describe simple things and when force ful terms are needed what is left to express them? How foolish to say, “What a perfect darling of a hat!” or “He’s the sweetest thing you ever saw,” when speaking of one seen by only a passing glance. Yet such statements are common.

The frequent use of slang mars so many conversations. Girls are prone to it. This seems an age of slang. A lady uses it very sparingly if at all. It has been said, “To habitually use slang and know it, is a sign of coarse association, or poverty of language, or of a gross mind, or a bad heart.” After watching with admiration a pretty girl whom you judged to be refined, have you suffered the disappointment of hearing her speak in a coarse voice, uttering only a few slang expressions?

Language is the medium of thought. When vulgar, it indicates an impure mind. The speech of the well-bred is free from low expression or obscene language. Profanity is not common among girls, still it sometimes occurs. It is contrary to the laws of God and to the rules of good society.

In conversation none but the ill-bred boast of family connections, wealth, or superior intelligence. It is for others to praise your gifts and accomplishments. True worth will not go unnoticed. To give praise when merited is gracious, but one should not be guilty of flattery or insincerity in conversation just to please the company. Promises are often made in a moment just to satisfy another when there is no intention of keeping them.

To talk solely for the purpose of showing off is extremely bad mannered. So it is to carry on a conversation in a condescending way.

This is sometimes the fault of a girl naturally gifted as a leader or of one whose education is better than that of the remainder of the company. It is exceedingly unbecoming for girls to whisper in company, since it is not unreasonable to suppose that some one present is the subject of their comments. Everyone has reason to be offended.

Discussion and argument merely for its sake should not be indulged in. Subjects where there is no possible hope for agreement should be avoided or dropped if once brought up. Compliance with and deference to the wishes of others is the finest breeding. When your conscience will not allow you to agree with the proposition express your opinion modestly, but do not press it too warmly. Tactfully change the subject.

Conversation in the Home. In the home there is a good opportunity for the display of refinement and self-control in conversation. Nowhere should greater care be taken of what is said than among those most dearly loved yet how apt we are to take the liberty of speaking crossly, answering impatiently, finding fault, nagging and wrangling, making little effort to show the courtesies of manner and speech used in company. The conversation should be made pleasing and instructive. The funny story or the interesting experience ought not to be reserved for guests alone. The animated conversationalist often maintains gloomy silence at home. At meal times in the presence of the whole family, the talk should be genial and entertaining. That is not the time for reproof, criticism, nor contradiction. Those members who have been out among others during the day can relate an incident of the time, tell some story they have heard, or give some ideas they have gained. It will be appreciated by those who have been at home all day. The tired mother derives a great pleasure from the little experiences of her children, which they should take some thought to tell her.

QUESTIONS.

1. How is conversation valuable as an accomplishment?

2. Why are we judged largely by our words? When is it to our advantage? When to our disadvantage?

3. What may be gained from conversation?

4. In what way does talking help thought?

5. Who is a good listener?

6. What docs one gain by attentive listening?

7. What is a good voice in conversation?

8. What uses of the voice are to be avoided?

9. How may voice aid a speaker?

10. What should be a guide to subjects of conversation?

11. What are proper subjects?

12. What are improper subjects?

13. What are the evils of gossip and fault-finding?

14. Give your ideas of appropriate places for conversation.

15. How does conversation indicate refinement of the speaker?

16. What does a true lady avoid?

17. How may conversation in the home be improved?