True to Form

Helen: “So Peggy’s new boy’s a Scotchman. How does he treat her?”

Mabel: “Very reluctantly, I believe.”

The Last Word

Young Bragger – My grandfather built the Rocky Mountains.

Unsympathetic Listener – Aw! that’s nothing. Do you know the Dead Sea? Well, my grandfather killed it.

Cause for Merriment

Theophilus Whifflebaum had recently become the father of twins. The minister stopped him on the street to congratulate him. “Well, Whifflebaum,” he said, “I hear that the Lord has smiled on you.”

“Smiled on me?” repeated Whifflebaum, “He laughed out loud.”

The Last Laugh

“What a peculiar looking carpet that is under the elephant,” remarked a visitor to the circus.

“That’s no carpet,” corrected the elephant’s keeper. “That’s the man that gave the elephant a chew of tobacco.”

Another One of Them

A braw Scotchman was visiting Niagara Falls in the company of an American friend. As they watched the great rush of water, the latter said: “There’s a story that if you throw a penny into the Falls, it will bring you luck.” “Is thot so?” inquired the Scot. He considered a moment, and then asked hopefully, “Ha’ ye a bit o’ string?”

Had His Doubts

At the grave of the departed the old pastor stood hat in hand. Looking into the abyss he delivered himself of the funeral oration:

“Samuel Johnson,” he said sorrowfully, “you is gone. An’ we hopes you is gone where we ‘specks you ain’t.”

Why Not Use Her?

Building Foreman: “Excuse me, but are you the lady wot’s singing?

Lady: “Yes, I was singing. Why?”

“Might I ask you not to hold the high notes so long? The men have knocked off twice, mistaking it for the noon whistle.”

Mistaken Identity

Golfer: “Just look at that girl dressed like a man. What are her parents thinking of, anyway. I think it’s disgraceful.”

Partner: “That, sir, is my daughter.”

Golfer: “I beg pardon. I didn’t know you were her father.”

Partner: “I’m not. I’m her mother.”

Case for S.P.C.A.

“Quick, Sam, a wild cat just run into the house with your wife.”

“Wall, he’ll jes have to get out the best way he can.”

Too Cheap

“They say she always keeps her word.”

“She has to! Nobody else will take it.”

Oh, This Is Awful!

“Say, Mike, did you hear I had an air-tight dog?”

“No. What do you mean, air-tight?”

“Well, it’s half Airdale and half Scotch.”

A Customer Lost

Lady, entering a store: “What do your envelopes run at now?”

Smart Clerk: “They don’t run, ma’am. They are stationery.”

—ooo0ooo—

Hubby: “I miss the old cuspidor since it’s gone.”

Wife: “You missed it before – that’s why it’s gone.”

Same as of Old

Auto: “Love-making is the same as it always was.”

Matic: “How can you tell?”

Auto: “I’ve just read of a Greek maiden who sat and listened to a lyre all night.”

The Wrong Attribute

Customer – “I don’t like these pictures. They don’t do me justice.”

Photographer – “Justice? Lady, what you want is mercy.”

He Came Back

“No woman ever made a fool out of me.”

“Well, who did, then?”

Tender Memories

I rose and gave her my seat;
I could not let her stand.
She made me think of mother, with
That strap held in her hand.

She Lives Longer

A New York doctor says each kiss shortens a girl’s life 10 seconds. “My gosh,” cried Ouida, at the last party, “I’ve been dead 300 years.”

The Wrong Emphasis

“Do you think the candidate put enough fire into his speech?”

“Oh, yes. The trouble was, he didn’t put enough of his speech into the fire.”

The Scotch of It

Mrs. MacPherson (just at meal time) – Sandy, we have guests at the door.

Sandy – Grab a toothpick, quick!

A High Compliment

Does your mother ever pay you any compliments?” said Sam to his pal, Alexander.

“Only in the winter-time,” replied the other. When the fire gets low she says: ‘Alexander, the grate!’”

Language Lessons

Ikey and Izzy were separating, when Ikey said:

“Au revoir.”

“Vat’s dat?” said izzy.

“Dat’s goodbye in ‘french.”

“Vell,” said Izzy, “carbolic acid.”

“Vat’s dat?” asked Ikey.

“Dat’s goodbye in any lengvidge.”

Best for Seasickness

The late Dr. Heber John Richards was asked (before prohibition) by a friend who contemplated a trip abroad, what he should take for sea-sickness.

“Champagne,” answered the doctor.

“Champagne!” cried his friend. “Will that do any good?”

“No,” responded the doctor, “but it tastes better coming up than anything I know.”

Call the Cops

Rube: “What do you think about this here Evolution?”

Yokel: “It’s a good idea – but can they enforce it?”