The Southern Star — the weekly paper of the Southern States Mission, 1898-1900 — used these jokes as fillers in the year 1901:

Heading Off Gossip

Noel Little – “I say, old man, can you keep a secret? Well, Smiggins told me in confidence that – ”

Noah Nuff – “Hold on! Can you keep a secret?”

“I? Why, yes; certainly.”

“Then you’d better do so.”

Very Sharp

Teacher – “Now, Johnny, if the earth were empty on the inside, what could we compare it to?”

Johnny – “A razor, ma’am.

Teacher – “A razor?”

Johnny – “Yes, ma’am; because it would be hollow ground.”

Reasonable Supposition

“As I understand it,” said Cumso, “oleomargarine is made of beef fat.”

“You are undoubtedly right,” replied Cawker.

“I should think that the manufacturers would make it of goat fat.”

“Why?”

“Because the goat is a natural butter.”

—

“Can you give a first-class polish to a pair of shoes?”

“Shud say so, boss. Why, when Ah polish a ge’man’s shoes de ladies glance down at his feet to see if deh hats am on straight.”

—

A serious trouble with some young men is, they do not like to work between meals.

A Bright Soldier

A captain, possessed of the importance of patriotic precept, thought he noticed a lack of enthusiasm in a young recruit.

“What should you think,” said he, “if you saw the Stars and Stripes waving over the field of battle?”

“I should think that the wind was blowing,” was the logical reply.

—

While two of our Elders were recently canvassing one of Georgia’s most beautiful cities, they were met at the door by a middle-aged lady, to whom they handed a tract. She glanced at it for a moment, and upon discovering that it was a “Mormon” tract and that they were “Mormons,” she immediately procured a broom and proceeded to sweep the porch where the elders had stood. It is not known whether she wiped the door knob or not, but it is presumed she did.

—

A little boy with an interest in the meaning of unfamiliar words said to his mother: “What’s the meaning of ‘civil’?”

“Kind and polite,” answered the mother.

A puzzled look brooded for a second on the boy’s face. then he said: “Was it a kind and polite war that was in this country once?”

—

Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder.

—

“That youngest boy of yours does not seem to be a credit to you,” said a white employer to Uncle Mose. “No, sah,” replied Uncle Mose – “he is the wustest chile I has! He is mighty bad! He’s de white sheep ob de fam’ly, sah.”

—

When a man is dismissed from employment he always has a good deal to say against his employer. A man, in fact, is like a gun – he makes a great noise when he is discharged.

—

“Don’t get stuck up. Remember, there are others just as insignificant as you are.”

Too Much Intellect

the dangers of the higher education are not often exposed so nakedly as in the following letter from a New England mother to the teacher of her precious boy, which has lately found its way int Harper’s Bazaar:

“Dear Miss: Please do not push Johnnie too hard, for so much of his branes is intelleck that he ought to be held back a good deal, or he will run to intelleck entirely, an’ I do not dezire it. so please hold him back so as to keep his intelleck from getting bigger than his boddy, an’ injooring him for life.”

A Parson’s Definition of a Good Wife

First, she should be like a snail, and always keep within her own house; but she should not be like a snail, and carry all she has upon her back. Secondly, she should be like an echo, to speak when she is spoken to; but she should not be like an echo, always to have the last word. Thirdly, she should be like a town clock, always keep time and regularity; but she should not be like a town clock, to speak so loud that all the town may hear her.

—

Watch out that your popularity is not due to the fact that you tell a piece of gossip surprisingly well.

An Editor’s Mistake

Editors have their troubles. One of these men, who presides over the destinies of a western newspaper, is mourning the loss of two subscribers. Number one wrote asking how to raise his twins safely, while the other wanted to know how he might rid his orchard of grasshoppers. the answers went forward by mail, but by accident, the editor put them into the wrong envelopes, so that the man with the twins received the answer: “Cover them carefully with straw and set fire to it, and then the little pests, after jumping in the flames for a few minutes, will be speedily settled. And the man with the grasshoppers was told to “give castor oil and rub their gums with a bone.”

—

“They are fools who kiss and tell,”
Wisely has the poet sung;
Man may hold all sorts of posts,
If he’ll only hold his tongue.

— Kipling