Proof Positive

Bursley – He claims to be related to you and says he can prove it.

Floyd – The man’s a fool.

Bursley – That may be a mere coincidence.

“Yes, We – ”

A young lady went into a music store and asked the clerk: “Do you know if you have any ‘Yes, We have No Bananas?’”

And the clerk replied: “Yes, I know we have no ‘Yes, We have No Bananas.’”

Question of Authority

The occupants of the parlor car of the Limited were startled by the abrupt entrance of two masked bandits.

“T’row up yer hands,” commanded the bigger of the two. “We’re gonna rob all the gents and kiss all the gals.”

“No, partner,” remonstrated the smaller one gallantly. “We’ll rob the gents but we’ll leave the ladies alone.”

“Mind your own business, young fellow,” snapped a female passenger of uncertain age. “The big man is robbing this train.”

A Little Grammar

Papa – Bobby, if you had a little more spunk you would stand better in your class. Now, do you know what spunk is?

Bobby – Yes, sir. it’s the past participle of spank.

A Near Winner

A certain school teacher had a great deal of trouble in making a boy understand his lesson and when he finally succeeded he drew a long breath and said, “Well, if it wasn’t for me you’d be the biggest donkey in the state.”

He Got Her

She – Oh, I wish the Lord had made me a man!

He (bashfully) – He did. I’m the man.

What’s the Use?

We editors may tug and toil,
‘Till our finger tips are sore,
But some poor fish is sure to say,
“I’ve heard that joke before.”

Promised a Cure

“How are you feeling, ol’ man?” inquired the ward doctor of one of his patients.

“Not so bad, doctor,” replied the patient, “but my breathing troubles me.”

“Well, assured the doctor, “I’ll see if I can stop that tomorrow.”

A Good One

Bald-headed Guest – Well, sonny, what is it that amuses you?

Nothing; only Mother has put a brush and comb in your bedroom.

Oh, Mama!

Visitor – What an inspiring sermon your husband preached on ‘One Day’s Rest in Seven!”

Pastor’s Wife – I didn’t hear it – I had to get his dinner.

Interesting Experiment

Fresh – Say, professor, how long could I live without brains?

Prof. – That remains to be seen.

Slight Mistake

A young business man and Deacon in the church was going to New York on business and while there was to purchase a new sign which was to be hung up in the front of the church advertising a new movement in the church. He copied the motto and dimension of the sign but went to New York and left the paper in his coat at home. When he discovered that he had left the paper at home, he wired his wife, “Send motto and dimensions.’ An hour later a message came over the wire and the young lady clerk who had just come from lunch and knew nothing of the previous wire, fainted. When they looked at the message she had just taken they read: “Unto us a child is born, 6 feet long and 2 feet wide.”

Too Close for Observation

Naomi: I was so confused. I don’t know how many times he kissed me!”

Jacobs: What! with the thing going on right under your nose?

Familiar

Parson: And which of the parables do you like best, my child?

Tommie: The one where somebody loafs and fishes.

Envy

“Over in California we have a lilac bush fifty feet high.”

“I wish I could lilac that.”

Sure Crazy

After 13 years confinement a lunatic in Germany was released from an asylum. Hailing a taxi, he asked to be driven to the station, where he paid his fare with a 20-mark gold piece he had concealed during his confinement. To his surprise, the taxi-driver gave him change – four thousand billion marks, or so. The ex-lunatic counted the money, and gasped, “Drive me back to the asylum.”

In Too Big a Hurry

Woman: Your honor, he broke every dish in the house over my head, and treated me cruelly.

Judge: Did your husband apologize or express regret for his actions?

Woman: No, the ambulance took him away before he could speak to me.

Oh, Mama!

A man with a Ford stopped at a service station and said to the attendant: “Put a quart of gasoline in her.”

“What’s the matter?” asked the gasoline man. “Are you trying to wean it?”

Hopeful

“When can I hope to receive the money that you owe me?”

“Always.”

Can’t Beat Him

The American was “drawing the long bow” or “throwing the bull.” “On one occasion,” he said, “I shot 999 lions.”

The Englishman, determined not to be outdone, began to tell a story of a man who swam from Liverpool to New York.

“Did you see him yourself?” inquired the American.

“Why, yes, of course. I was coming across the water, and our vessel passed him a mile outside of New York harbor.”

“Well,” was the retort, “I’m glad you saw him, stranger, because you’re a witness that I did it. I was that swimmer.”

Delivery.

“I don’t see the sausage I ordered,” said the housewife to the butcher’s boy who had just delivered her order.

“Oh, that’s all right, mum,” said the youngster. “The boss told me to tell you that the wurst was yet to come.”