Father: “Well, son, what did you learn in school today?”

Son (proudly): “I learned to say ‘Yes, Sir’ and ‘No, Sir’ and ‘Yes, Ma’am’ and ‘No, Ma’am’.”

Father: “You did, eh?”

Son: “Yeah.”

Radio in Scotland

“Why are you smiling, Angus – is it no the kirk service ye are listening in to?”

“It is that, Maggie, and I can hear them taking the collection.”

Safety First

A woman motorist was driving along a country road when she noticed a couple of repair men climbing telephone poles. “Fools,” she exclaimed to her companion. “They must think I never drove a car before in my life.”

Knew His Business

Willis: “That phrenologist is wonderful. As soon as he put his hands on my head he told me my business was very dull.”

Gillis: “He probably felt the depression.”

A Paradox

Teacher: “Tommy, can you give me an example of a paradox?”

Tommy: “Yes, sir. A man walking a mile and only moving two feet.”

The Wrong Number

Mr. Black: “I never knew Green had twins!”

Mrs. Black: “My dear, he married a telephone girl, and of course she gave him the wrong number.”

—ooo0ooo—

Visitor: “And this, I suppose, is one of those hideous caricatures you call modern art.”

Artist: “No, that’s just a mirror.”

—ooo0ooo—

“Well, what do you think of the candidates?”

“Well, the more I think of them, the better pleased I am to think only one of them can be elected.”

—ooo0ooo—

Jim: “Granny, do your specs magnify?”

Granny: “Oh, yes, they magnify a little.”

Jim: “Ah, well, would you mind taking them off when you cut my next piece of cake?”

—ooo0ooo—

Telephone operator: “It costs seventy-five cents to talk to Springville.”

Contractor: “Can’t you make a special rate for just listening? I want to call my wife.”

Diagnosed

Young man: “Oh, doctor, I feel awful. Can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t concentrate on my golf, and work’s a nightmare. What do you prescribe?”

Doctor: “Propose to the girl and get it over.”

Spicy Troops

Little boy (reading item from China): “What does it mean here by ‘seasoned’ troops, father?”

Parent: “Mustered by the officers and peppered by the enemy.”

—ooo0ooo—

Bill: “And has she made Jim a good wife?”

Joe: “I don’t know about that but she certainly has made him a good husband.”

—ooo0ooo—

Officer: “Hey, you! Didn’t you see that stop light?”

Culprit: “Yes, officer, but I must confess I didn’t see you.”

—ooo0ooo—

Two old settlers, confirmed bachelors, sat in the backwoods: “I got one of them cookery books once, but I could do nothing with it.”

“Too much fancy work in it, eh?”

“You said it! Every one o’ them recipes began the same way: ‘Take a clean dish …’ and that settled me.”

—ooo0ooo—

Mr. Brown: “You’re a very honest boy, but it was a ten-dollar bill I dropped – not ten ones.”

Johnnie: “I know, Mister, but the last time I found a ten-dollar bill, the man didn’t have any change.”

—ooo0ooo—

“Well,” mused the taxi driver who had been handed his exact fare. “I have known some people to give a bit over.”

“Aye,” replied the Aberdonian, “thot was precisely ma reason for asking ye tae stop under a lomp.”

—ooo0ooo—

Bridegroom: “And now that we are married, dear, let us have a clear understanding about our affairs. Do you wish to be president or vice-president?”

Bride (sweetly): “Neither. You be both. I’ll just be the treasurer.”

—ooo0ooo—

Visitor: “What nice buttons you are sewing on your little boy’s suit! My husband once had some like that on his suit.”

Pastor’s Wife: “Yes. I get all my buttons from the collection plate.”

Tact

Newspaper item: “Miss Hanna Smith, a Batesville belle of twenty summers, is visiting her twin brother, age 32.”

—ooo0ooo—

Old Jock McTavish told a friend he was running for an undertaker as his wife was seriously ill.

“But,” remonstrated the friend, “it’s not an undertaker you want; it’s a doctor.”

“No, no,” was the reply, “I canna afford to deal wi’ middlemen.”

The Modern Caesar

When the average man argues with a woman, the final result usually is: “He came, he saw, he concurred.”