The Spendthrift
A boy and his best girl were seated in a buggy one evening watching the people pass. near by was a popcorn vender’s stand. Presently, the lady remarked: “My! that popcorn smells good!”
“That’s right,” said the gallant. “I’ll drive up a little closer so you can smell it better.”
His Kind
“What is your occupation?”
“I used to be an organist.”
“And why did you give it up?”
“The monkey died.”
Mysterious Indeed!
“Seen any mysterious strangers around here lately?” casually inquired the detective from the city.
“Wal,” answered Uncle Eben, “there was a feller over to town with the circus last week what took a pair o’ rabbits out o’ my whiskers.”
What Did He Mean
Dr. Crabbe had almost succeeded in dismissing Mrs. Gassoway, when she stopped in the doorway, exclaiming, “Why doctor, you didn’t look to see if my tongue was coated!”
“I know it isn’t,” said the doctor wearily. “You never find grass on a racetrack.”
Parrot Talk
A dear old lady was showing her new parrot to the gardener.
“You know, Joseph, that this parrot comes from the Congo, and the Congo parrots are so intelligent they seem almost human. This bird whistles ‘Home, Sweet Home’ so beautifully that the tears run down his beak.”
“Yes, mum,” commented Joseph. “I know them Congo parrots. Used to own one that whistled ‘The Village Blacksmith’ so beautifully that sparks used to fly from its bloomin’ tail.”
Very Affable
He – “May I have the next dance?”
She – “If you can find a partner.”
Misunderstood
One of these big, strong men walked into a ladies’ store and said, ‘I want to get a set of ladies’ fur. The brown set in the window will do.”
To which the salesman said, ‘Oh! you mean skunk?”
And the salesman is still in the hospital.
Benefited by Bad Acoustics
During the talk of a lecturer provided by a Chatauquan bureau a man in the gallery shouted, “Speaker louder; we can’t hear a word up here.” Then a man in the fifth row shouted back to him, “Sit down, you fool, and thank heaven you can’t.”
Wanted Something to Cheer
The play was proceeding, but much to the audience’s agony, the thing was utterly rotten. At the end of the first act not a sign of applause was audible. The second act passed amid the same desolate silence. It, too, was a failure. As the curtain was lowered, the utter silence of the theater was broken by the imploring cry of a small boy:
“Aw, hang out an American flag, so somebody kin clap.”
A Draw on Imagination
“Smell anything, grandmother?” asked the youngster who was lying on the floor drawing.
Grandmother assured him she did not.
The young artist gave a few finishing touches and repeated his question. Grandmother sniffed the air and again declared she smelled nothing.
“Well,” said the boy, “you ought to. I have just drawed a skunk.”
Give it Gas
Instructor: “My boy, your work has fallen down; and if you are going to pick it up, you’ll have to step on it.”
Died Hard
Diner (trying to cut his steak): “Say waiter, how was this steak cooked?”
Waiter: “Smothered in onions, sir.”
Diner: “Well, it died hard.”
Then They’ll All Tremble
Doctor (at phone): “What’s wrong?”
Mrs. Stone: “Oh, Mrs. Smith’s boy is sick with a stomachache.”
Doctor: “Well, tell her there’s nothing to be afraid of until I come.”
Too Long
A farmer came to town to insert a death announcement.
“How much do you charge?” he asked.
“Ten shillings an inch,” was the reply.
“Heavens! He was over six feet high!”
Wrong Flavor
Schram, who had run out of gas on the outskirts of a country town, saw a boy coming along the road carrying a big tin can. “Say, boy!” he yelled; “I hope that’s gasoline you have in that can.”
“Well, I hope it ain’t,” returned the boy. “It would taste like the dickens on ma’s pancakes.”
On His Way
The old gentleman was lost in a London fog, so thick that he could scarcely see his hand before his face. He became seriously alarmed when he found himself in a slimy alley. Then he heard footsteps approaching.
“Where am I going?” he cried anxiously.
A voice replied weirdly from the darkness, “Into the river. I’ve just come out!”
100 Per Cent
Some quotations from Baltimore school examination papers:
A blizzard is the inside of a hen.
A circle is a round, straight line with a hole in the middle.
George Washington married Mary Curtis and in due time became the father of his country.
Sixty gallons make one hedgehog.
Georgia was founded by people who had been executed.
A mountain range is a large cook stove.
Achilles was dipped in the river Styx to make him normal.
Pompeii was destroyed by an eruption of saliva from the Vatican.
Typhoid fever is prevented by fascination.
Circumstantial Evidence
“I have a new baby brother.”
“Is he going to stay?”
“I think so. He has all his things off.”
How They Got Acquainted
Ann; “When did you first become acquainted with your husband?”
Frances: “The first time I asked him for money after we were married.”
Lucky for Tommy
Tommy had fallen over and upset a dish of prunes. Picking himself up he observed – “That’s lucky.”
“Lucky?” demanded his mother. “What’s lucky?”
“It’s lucky I don’t like prunes.”
I’m trying to figure out what they meant to mean by “hedgehog”.
A “hogshead” is a unit of measurement, the capacity of some size of barrel. Google tells me it is/was 63 gallons, close enough to the 60 of the joke, I guess. So I suppose a child confused “hedgehog” for “hogshead” in answering the question, like another child did in confusing “blizzard” and “gizzard” in the first one. I think. 🙂
Oh yeah. I couldn’t think of that unit of measurement and couldn’t even get close enough for google to help. Thanks.
I wonder what made the Baltimore school system merit mention in the title. Googling a few of the answers they are attributed variously to:
“the University of the State of New York… for qualifications as law and medical students and for admission to colleges”
“from a school examination paper”
“A Topeka, Kan., Teacher”
Mark Twain
“a collection of examination answers in the possession of a high school teacher”
“school examination papers in a neighboring state” (naturally the students in our state are brighter than this)
“collected from masters by J. Baird… extracted from c5 and 6 examination papers”
“Miss Clara Evelyn M’Hugh. a teacher in one of the Topeka schools”
“the latest examination papers”
“answers recently given in the Regents examination of the State of New York” (if recent is at least 10 years…)
“From our exam papers [Hammond public schools, Indiana]”
“From junior exam papers”
from various departments at Jordan High School (yes, that Jordan High).
One of the mentions was even by a paper in New Zealand. The earliest article was around 1910 (the Kansas school teacher, if you were curious). The appearance in a Jordan High yearbook was around 1930, and one of the later ones. I suppose a twenty year old joke was wearing thin at that point. If you were to do a more orderly research of it’s origins I think you’d get a pedigree that makes most internet articles look respectable.
Yeah, I don’t suppose it is wise to stake anything on the historical accuracy of the jokes! Some fun research, Seth.
I had to look up what a Chatauquan bureau was. Surprised to discover that some of them still exist!
Back in the late ’60s-early ’70s when I was in grade school in suburban Baltimore, I learned that a lengthy nearby road was called Rolling Road because hogsheads of tobacco were once rolled down the road to market. The internet confirms this (so it must be true). At the time, I envisioned tobacco farmers in Ellicott City turning the giant barrels on their sides and just letting them roll downhill. Maybe I thought they ran alongside to make sure it made all the turns. But I see from the linked article that the hogsheads were apparently hitched behind horses or oxen. That does make more sense.
So if the alleged test papers really did come from Baltimore, I can believe that students there might have heard of hogsheads.
But now I have the image of hedgehogs tumbling down Rolling Road…