Pat Power or Horse Power

“Well, Pat,” remarked the foreman, “I’m sorry to see you leave the works. Aren’t the wages satisfactory?”

“The wages are all right,” returned Pat, “but I keep having a guilty feeling all the time.”

“About what?”

“I’m all the time thinkin’ I’m doin’ a horse out of a job.”

Flash!

Was I fast? Lissen, guy, when I played for the Giants, every time I hit one of my many home runs, I reached first base before the spectators could hear the crack of the bat. Then when I rounded second, the second baseman usually said something that made me sore, so I slapped the third baseman on the catcher’s mouth.

A Cabaret Interlude

Police Chief – “What! You mean to say this fellow choked a woman to death in a cabaret in front of two hundred people and nobody interfered?”

Cop – “Yes, Cap; everybody thought they were dancin’.”

Vacation Romance?

Youth: “Now on this ring I should like you to engrave: ‘For my darling Muriel.’”

Jeweler: “Would it not be better to have simply: ‘For my darling’? You see, sir, it will be at least a week before we can let you have the ring.”

How to Tell

A woman advertised for a man to work in her garden, and two men applied for the job. While she was interviewing them on the lawn she noticed that her mother, on the porch, was making signs to her to choose the shorter of the men, which she did.

When the women were alone, the daughter said: “Why did you signal to me to choose the shorter man, mother? The other had a much better face.”

“Face!” exclaimed the other. “When you pick a man to work in your garden you want to go by his trousers. If they’re patched on the knees. you want him; if they’re patched on the seat, you don’t.”

An Unprofitable Business

Inquisitive Employer: “Ella, what’s become of old Simon?”

Ella (the cook): “He done died with lead poisonin’.”

Employer: “Lead poisoning? I didn’t know Simon was a painter.”

Ella: “No, suh. He was in the chicken business.”

No Difference

Teacher: “If you subtract fourteen from a hundred sixteen, what’s the difference?”

Tommy: “Yes, I think it’s a lot of foolishness, too.”

In the Auto Shop

Repair Man: “Shall I install a loud or soft horn, sir?”

O’Leary: “Just one with a dirty sneer.”

Victorious

The new minister was talking to the oldest inhabitant.

“I be ninety-seven years old, sir, and I haven’t an enemy in the world,” said the aged one.

“That is a beautiful thought,” said the clergyman approvingly.

“Yes, sir,” was the answer. “I’m thankful to say I’ve outlived them all.”

An Idea

The question in the physical examination read: “How may one obtain a good posture?”

The country boy wrote: “Keep the cows off of it and let it grow a while.”

Over-Worked

First Wasp: “Where is your son Ignacius? I don’t see him around these days.”

Second Wasp: “Haven’t you heard? He burst a blood vessel trying to sting a rhinoceros.”

A Straight Road

“My dear wife, I have taken you safely over all the rough places in life, haven’t I?”

“Yes, I don’t believe you missed any of them.”

Etiquette

The district engineer and his wife were entertaining at dinner. Suddenly a child’s voice was heard from the floor above. “Mother.” “What is it, Archie?” she asked. “There’s only clean towels in the bathroom. Shall I start one?”

Surprise

He was at the fountain-pen counter making a purchase. “You see,” he said, “I’m buying this for my wife.”

“A surprise, eh?”

“I’ll say so. She’s expecting a Packard.”

Educating Sister Jessie

After Jessie had been at the boarding school a few weeks, she began signing her letters home “Jessica.” Brother Tom thought he would give her a little dig about it, so he wrote: ‘Dear Jessica: Dadica and Momica have gone to visit Aunt Lizzica. Uncle Samica is talking of buying a new machinica but he doesn’t know whether to get a Fordica or a Chevica. The old cowica has had a califica. I was going to call it Nellica, but I changed it to Jimica because it was a bullica. Your affectionate brother, Tomica.”

Strange

A blushing young woman handed the telegraph operator a telegram to be sent which contained only the single word “Yes.” Desiring to be of real help to patrons of his company, the operator said: “You know you can send nine more words for the same price.”

“I know I can,” replied the customer, “but don’t you think it would look like I am too anxious if I said it ten times?”

Murderous

Student (to professor in English literature): “What subject are you going to give us tomorrow, professor?”

Professor: “Tomorrow, we shall take the life of Robert Louis Stevenson. So come prepared.”

Seeing Things

“Dad, what is an actor?”

“An actor? My son, an actor is a man who can walk to the side of a stage, peer into the wings filled with theatrical props, dirt and dust, other actors, stage-hands, old clothes, and other claptrap and say, ‘What a lovely view there is from this window!’”

Oshkosh Again

Grandma Jackson and her young grandson were riding on a train. Grandma had dozed and suddenly she sat up. “What was that station the conductor called?” she asked the boy.

“He didn’t announce any station; he just put his head in the door and sneezed.”

“Get the bundles together quickly,” said grandma. “This is Oshkosh.”

Looks that Way

Boss (who has just dropped in on the football game): “So this is your Uncle’s funeral, Perkins?”

Office boy (with great presence of mind): “Looks like it, Sir. He’s the referee.”

And Cocoa Butter

“Yes, I know fish is brain food, but I don’t care so much for fish. Is there some other?”

Must Be Experience

Tramp: “Can’t you give me something to eat, madam?”

New Bride: “Yes, here is a piece of my first pie.”

Tramp: “I asked for food, madam, not work.”

Wise Cracks

A noted physician says a person looks like what he eats. That explains the huge consumption of ordinary prunes.

It is getting to the point where a man killed in an automobile accident died a natural death.

Some of the cars on the road go so fast that they are continually two or three months ahead of the owners’ wages.