Ring Around her Heart

By Shirley Thulin

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Chapter 8

Joan hurried towards Doctor Niles’ office. In the last hour she had changed her mind back and forth a dozen times about resigning. She was hurrying now so she wouldn’t change it again. She looked up as David fell in step with her.

“Boy, where do you get all your energy this early in the morning?” he asked. “I’ve been chasing you clear down the hall. Tom wants you.”

“I’ll see him on my rounds,” she said.

“He said he needs you right away … is something wrong, Miss Morgan?”

“I … I guess I could see him now, did he say what he wants?”

“No, but he sure is one happy guy these days, thanks to you.”

“Don’t forget, you thought of getting him to go to school.”

“Yes, but you convinced him,” he laughed. “See you later.”

Joan hesitated a moment before going into Tom’s room. She wanted to be in command of herself when she talked to him. He must not know she was leaving the hospital. “Hello, Tom. Today’s the big day, isn’t it?”

“Yes, in about an hour, so I wanted to be sure I got to see you before I went.”

“About an hour? So soon?”

“Yes, I was going tonight with Doctor Desmond and Kathy, but my mother and my uncle are coming for me.”

“Well, how nice. I’ll be missing you, Tom. You’ll write to me, won’t you?”

“I’ll come to see you every time I come to town.”

“That . . . that will be nice.”

“Miss Morgan . . . did you know about Doctor Desmond and Kathy?”

“Yes, I know . . . who told you?”

“Oh, you can learn a lot of things if you just keep your eyes and ears open. You like him, don’t you?”

“Doctor Desmond is a very fine doctor.”

“I mean you really like him . . . don’t you? He likes you, too.”

“Tom, I haven’t had breakfast yet, and I have loads of work to do ”

“Miss Morgan, are you planning to be an old maid?” Tom grinned.

“Tom!”

“You know, sometimes I wonder what would have happened to me, if you hadn’t come here. Do you remember how mad I used to get at you?”

“Yes, I remember.”

“I used to think, what does she know about it? But you know what made me start to believe the things you were telling me?”

“No, what?”

“One day you smiled at me. It was the day you told me I was going to have my casts taken off. I like it when you smile, Miss Morgan.”

Joan was embarrassed. She tried to joke. “Is it that far between smiles?”

“I’ve only seen you smile a couple of times. You’re almost as bad as Doctor Niles. He doesn’t smile very often, but he’s a real nice guy. Miss Morgan, what would you do if everybody kept talking about two people and you wanted to tell them they had everything all wrong, I mean, how would you go about it?”

“Now there’s a question that doesn’t make sense at all.”

“Well, I mean . . . everybody thinks that Doctor Niles is an old grouch and he really isn’t. He just never shows what he’s really thinking.”

“How can you tell?”

“Because he comes in here lots and talks.”

“He does?”

“Yes. And then everybody thinks you . . . well, that you are the same way, but you’re not. They even thought you didn’t care when Joey died, but I knew you did.” Tom was very thoughtful. “And now Kathy’s getting to be that way too. . . .”

“Tom, sometimes things happen. . . .” She was thinking about what Doctor Desmond had said about the steel band around her heart. “People change, Tom.”

“Can they ever change back again?”

“Sometimes. Are you all packed, Tom?” Joan changed the subject.

“Have been since last night. Kathy helped me.”

“Are you going to start school this quarter?”

“I hope to. David’s going to help me. … If only I can pass the entrance exams.”

“I’m sure you can.”

“We’re going to ask Mom if David can stay with us at the farm on week ends and we’ll room together in town. We may live right on the campus.”

“Oh, Tom, that would be great. You make me wish I were starting back to school. It’s always so exciting . . . the beginning of a new school year.”

Joan left after a few minutes. Her goodbye was brief, and when Tom promised to come and see her often, she didn’t have the heart to tell him she wouldn’t be there.

As she went towards Doctor Niles’ office, she recalled what she had said to Tom a few moments before. Beginnings were always exciting. When she began to be a nurse, it was exciting. When she had begun her job at Hillcrest, it was exciting . . . and now it would be exciting to begin somewhere else. She tapped at the door and entered at his request. He was busy with a stack of papers. When he looked up, she couldn’t say a word.

“Yes?” his voice was the same as it was the first day she had come to his office. So cold and impersonal. His eyes were the same. There was a time when she thought she had read some fondness for her in his eyes, but not now.

“Doctor Niles, I have come to talk to you . . . about … I want to resign.”

The Doctor put his pen down and looked at her for a moment. “Why, Miss Morgan?”

“I … I feel that I have lost my effectiveness here . . . I . . .”

“Where do you plan to locate?”

“I … I don’t exactly know . . . that is . . .” and she felt her cheeks grow hot. She remembered all the weeks of planning and checking she had done before choosing Hillcrest, and this time she hadn’t even given a thought as to where she might go.

“Maybe you just need a little rest … a vacation. …”

“No. I don’t need a vacation … I just need to get away from here.” Her eyes were burning with unshed tears, but she stood there unflinching, holding them back.

Doctor Niles looked at her a long moment then, pen poised, and looking down at his papers, he told her it was, of course, her prerogative, “I’ll draw up the necessary papers,” he said, and went back to the work on his desk, thereby dismissing her.

Joan felt faint. She somehow let herself out of his office and took a step or two down the hall. The feeling of anger boiled within her. What did I expect him to say? she asked herself. But she knew . . . she had hoped he would give her an argument and coax her to stay. He hadn’t, and now she was angry and hurt and more mixed up than ever. She started to go to her room, but changed her mind. If I go to my room, I’ll just give in to my tears, she thought, and I’m not going to. I’m going to stay on the job and do the things I have to do and tonight I’ll write some letters to some hospitals.

“Joan.” It was Kathy.

“Yes?” She was surprised at the tone of her own voice. It sounded just like Doctor Niles. “I . . . wondered if you’d been to see Tom. He’s leaving this morning.”

“Yes, I saw him. He’s looking fine, isn’t he?”

“Joan, did Dean say anything to you this morning … I mean about. . . .”

“About the two of you? Yes, he said he was going to talk you into marrying him. I can tell he already has.”

“Yes … it didn’t take him long to talk me into it, did it?” Kathy smiled and her eyes were soft. “He proposed over a pile of charts in the chart room.” They both laughed.

“That’s wonderful, Kathy. I know you’ll be very happy. He’s a wonderful fellow.”

“Do you really mean that? That you are happy for me?”

“Of course, why do you ask that?”

“Because I thought . . . that you were in love with him.”

“There was a time when I thought I was, or at least that I could be, but no, Kathy. I’m not in love with your fabulous Doctor Desmond.”

“Then you will be my maid of honor? We’re going to have the biggest wedding ever.”

“Thanks, Kathy.” She didn’t tell her that she might not be around for the wedding.

All during the morning Joan had a little nagging in the back of her mind. When she let herself think about the scene in Doctor Niles’ office, she was angered, and when she thought of Kathy’s question about whether she was in love with Dean, she had a funny little pleased feeling that kept coming forward and, making her feel as she used to just before Christmas when she was a child. I feel like something is about to happen, she kept telling herself, and yet she knew that Doctor Niles was sitting in his office getting her resignation papers ready. He’s probably enjoying every moment of it, too, she thought. He didn’t even care one bit that I was leaving.

As the morning wore on, the two emotions kept coming and going until by lunch time, she was in a highly nervous state. She realized she hadn’t had anything to eat, and she certainly didn’t feel hungry now, but somehow, maybe from habit, she found herself going into the cafeteria.

Kathy and Doctor Desmond were in their favorite corner. Suddenly, seeing the two of them together made her jumbled thoughts straighten themselves out. All of a sudden she knew why she was so angry at Doctor Niles. She knew why she was glad she had been able to tell Kathy she wasn’t in love with Doctor Desmond. She was thankful to Tom for what he had said about Doctor Niles not ever showing what he really felt.

She was walking down the hall towards Doctor Niles’ office with a new spring in her step. She was frightened, a little, but she knew she had to say what was in her heart, because she knew he never would. She almost changed her mind when she put her hand up to knock. Her throat went dry when he said to come in.

Doctor Niles was standing by the window, and he turned towards her when she came in. She looked at him. His eyes were different than she had ever seen them before. She suddenly wished she hadn’t come. “Yes?” he said.

“It’s about my resignation. I . . . I’ve changed my mind.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, quite sure. I . . . .” She tried to read his face, hoping to see something, anything to let her know she had it figured out right, but she could tell nothing. ”

“What is it, Miss Morgan?” “Have you heard about Kathy and Doctor Desmond?”

“Yes, he came in and talked to me for quite some time last night.”

“I’m very happy for them.” Joan was afraid she was sounding like a schoolgirl, but she couldn’t leave, without saying what she had come to say.

“Doctor Desmond and Kathy found love, and there for awhile, I was afraid they wouldn’t. I mean the way Kathy was acting and all.” She stopped talking, hoping he would say something to help her, but he didn’t. “You know, people can’t go through life like that. As Kathy was beginning to be. . . . What I mean is the more a person tries to be hard and keep from getting hurt, the more that person gets hurt . . . and also hurts everyone else, too. You just sort of have to take the hurts as they come along and . . . and. . . .” Joan began to feel the cool tears spill over and down her hot cheeks.

Doctor Niles came over to her. “I have known that for a long time. Today, when you came, I . …” He went back to his desk but he didn’t sit down again. “Joan, I have been so wrong for so long that I didn’t even know how to start being right. When you came in here this morning I wanted to tell you. . . . The bottom of my world dropped out from under me, and I just sat there and didn’t say anything to you. . . .”

“I know, I know just how you felt. . . . I’ve done the same thing.”

“When you told me you wanted to go, I thought it was because of Kathy and Doctor Desmond. It wasn’t the reason?”

“No. I just wanted to run again. Trying to find someplace to belong. . . trying to find someone to. . . .”

Doctor Niles came around to the front of the desk. He took Joan in his arms quickly, as if he were afraid he would change his mind if he didn’t hold her close right then. “Joan, do you think you can teach me to smile? You did once . . . remember?”

“Yes, I remember. . . .” And she did remember that smile . . . and she remembered the warmth she had always felt whenever she was with him.

“Will you teach me, Joan, will you?”

“Yes … oh, yes.”

“Good. Then I’ve decided to accept your resignation.”

“You … you what?”

“You won’t have time to work in the hospital, you are going to be so busy being my wife. You will, won’t you?”

“Oh, yes, if ”

“If what?”

“If you’ll take the ring from around my heart.”

He smiled then, and it was a wonderful smile.

(The End)