This is a February 1928 lesson for the “Senior” Class in the Mutual Improvement Association – older than those who are in Young Women today; they would probably be considered Young Single Adults today. The lesson was part of a course called “An Everlasting Covenant: Lessons on Marriage and Family Love,” and focuses on the expectations for women in marriage.

Conjugal Love

I. Definition.

Webster defines the word conjugal: “Of or belonging to marriage or to the marriage state.” Conjugal love, therefore, refers to the love that exists after marriage or that belongs to the marriage state. Novels usually end with marriage and the phrase: “they lived happily ever afterward.” In truth, marriage is just the beginning of the story of life’s happiness. The period of courtship is the merest introduction to real life – the whole story is about what follows.

I. 1. Bound by Contract.

Two young people are married and are beginning the journey of life. Each is bound by the terms of the marriage contract but it is a bond held together by love and should not be irksome. However, the obligation of each should never be ignored.

I. 1. a. The man’s tacit agreement is that (in addition to the “love, honor, and cherish” promise) he will, by the labor of his hands, provide a home for her and their children, provide the money for living expenses, and will sand responsible before he world for the family whose entity he is establishing.

I. 1. b. The woman’s understood promise is that (in addition to the “love, honor, and also cherish”) she will make a home for this new family in the truest sense of the word. By the labor of her hands she tacitly agrees to keep the house and the family clean; to cook and serve the food in such a wholesome and desirable manner that the family health may be assured; to watch the family income and by means of a simple system of bookkeeping know that she is spending wisely her husband’s salary; to provide the sunny, happy atmosphere of home – that indefinable something that may bring heaven into a dugout – and so many other duties that they cannot be mentioned. if she hasn’t the time or the strength to do them all she is responsible for their performance and must see that they are done right. This is her share of life’s load, and neither she nor the husband must shirk in the pulling or the journey cannot be smooth and joyous.

II. Marriage the Real Beginning.

Thus stands the young couple at the beginning of life’s serious, happy journey. They have enjoyed and improved the period of youth; have prepared themselves for a useful life; have had a glorious time of courtship; have been married in the Temple and have made a right good start on the road to happiness. But the prize of conjugal love is not going to be forced into their possession; if gained and kept it must be striven for and cherished by each or it will vanish as dew before the sun. It is a priceless possession but does not come nor linger by chance.

II. 1. Confidence and Trust Fundamental.

The first requirement of a happy life is that each shall have the absolute confidence and trust of the other. If the period of acquaintanceship and courtship has not secured that knowledge, then it has been at fault. No permanent structure of happiness can be built without absolute trust as its chief cornerstone. No matter what appearances concerning a seeming misdeed may be, one must know that everything will be all right and that a satisfactory explanation will be forthcoming. And one always finds what one looks for. But it is imperative in the marriage relation. The habit of fault finding should never be tolerated for one instant. Each should do his best and if that is always expected then it will be easily given. This is the atmosphere in which one’s best self develops and in its presence joy and peace will radiate until the habit of cheer and gladness becomes established.

II. 1. a. Speak always of the good things done; notice small attentions and speak your gratitude and your approval. One never gets too old to respond to the stimulus of having gained the approbation of the loved one and it is one of the surest ways to insure the happiness you seek together.

II. 1. b. The passing of trite, disparaging jokes about the marriage relation is a most deplorable habit. One should never speak of life together or of loved ones unless there is something pleasant or positive to say. Idle words are never harmless; they influence and injure one in many and sinister ways.

III. Retain the “Romance of Life.”

The order of the courtship period should never be allowed to grow dim and lifeless. One can carry the romance of life to the end of one’s days if life is properly lived. But this “romance” will not live of itself; it must be fed and cherished as a precious possession – the joy, the true elixir of life! It may be fed by approval and by the expression of one’s love for and joy in the society of the loved one. It will stifle and starve in an atmosphere of association grudgingly given or of silence and sullenness. “Love grows by loving” – and one should never allow a thing so precious to die.

III. 1. Mutual Obligation.

The responsibility for the perpetuation of life’s romance devolves equally upon each party to life’s contract; it is not a one-sided affair. If for any cause one allows one’s life to become a sordid grind then it is more than likely that one’s mate will fall in line and the chances are that the blame will be placed anywhere but on themselves, where it belongs.

III. 1. a. What the woman expects of married life is that her mate shall be always the lover, expressing with eyes and manner his joy in her society. The small attentions of the lover to the maid she always seeks – those finer courtesies of manner that thrill her with the knowledge that she is the inspiration that has called them forth. The small attentions are not much for man to give and if he would only make the effort to remember how much they main to a woman – be she sixteen or sixty – he would never permit himself to grow careless. It is seldom difficult for him to be punctilious about these attentions during the engagement period, but the wise man is he who, even though by effort of will, retains these graces all through married life. women’s affection would be less apt to wander if their husbands were more attentive in these small courtesies. Is it not a pity that when one sees a couple acting disagreeably one is apt to remark, “They must be married.”

III. 1. b. What men demand of women may be just as exacting as any demands women make of men. Almost is first requirement is that somehow, she possesses the power to give him a sense of rest and security after the labors of a strenuous day so that when he comes home to her he feels that her very presence is a rest to his tired nerves. The wise woman will cultivate that gift and arrange her day so that she may have enough reserve strength to meet her mate with that mutual assurance of a perfect understanding.

After a good meal and a rest he then expects her to be fresh enough to enjoy a good conversation and to enter with intelligence and zest into the affairs in which he may be interested. The day has passed when a woman was expected to be only a play-thing – a diversion for an idle hour. A man is right in demanding that his mate shall be always companionable” – he must feel a joy in her society that stimulates the best of him to come to the surface.

A man also expects that his wife will be always possessed of that something called charm – a gift that is hard to define but which is in some ways the most priceless gift a woman can possess. It is not difficult for a girl to be charming during the period of courtship but the sordid grind of every-day life may make its retention during the whole period of life one of actual untiring effort. A woman must never let herself get commonplace and exacting. A happy life is all in all a “give and take proposition” – one should not demand more than one is willing to give.

III. 2. Test of Love.

The real test of one’s capacity for happiness is spelled by one’s ability to keep alive the romance of life. Most anyone can win the love of the desired mate but it takes a right smart person and much prayerful effort to keep that love alive and keen for the period of a whole life, with eternity to follow.

III. 2. a. Sharing each other’s interests. In the ideal life relation the participants are life partners – neither one being a silent partner. A man can not truly magnify his life work without the help and encouragement of his wife. A woman cannot make the “heaven on earth” already alluded to unless her husband is her chief advisor and support. “Together” must be their slogan; he supreme and she the interested help in his business; she supreme and he the willing support in the home.

III. 2. b. The care of one’s clothing and personal appearance is a very important item and one easily overlooked in its bearing on conjugal happiness. In this respect women are more often at fault than men. it is so easy to work in the home until the last minute and then sit down to the meal tired and worn and often – not even clean. No one will deny that housework is very strenuous and the cares of rearing children often keep a woman on a strain during night as well as day – so that all desire for anything but rest is driven from her mind. Even that will not excuse her for losing her desire to look well in her husband’s eyes. Every man wants to be proud of his wife and unconsciously resents her ever allowing herself to look untidy and unkempt.

The woman who plans well her work and is the master of a system of housecleaning in her home can always find tme to clean up and put on a smile at least if she wills to do it. There is no excuse for ever being unclean – even the direst poverty may be clean – unless, indeed, a long period of ill health combined with poverty makes a brave front impossible.

III. 2. b. The care of the hair should always be remembered. Nothing can make or mar a woman’s appearance as can her hair. A becoming (never an extreme) style should be chosen and tme always taken to arrange the hair as “he” likes it best. This is always time well spent.

In passing it is well for the “men-folk” to remember that they should give as well as take in this regard. A man would never think of going to see his best girl in his old clothes, but he may think it is different with a wife. He should not forget that she likes to see him dressed up just about as well as he likes to see her look well.

III. 3. The Habit of Sociability.

So much joy could be added to married life if husband and wife would early establish and retain a habit of sociability. This is truly a game of give and take; the husband says, “I would be sociable if my wife were pleasant and made me feel sociable.” The wife makes the same charge. Each should make an effort to secure this joy – for it adds much charm to the grind of daily live.

III. 3. a. The husband should early form the habit of taking his wife into his confidence about his business, his keen life interests and the things that seem to him worth while. Otherwise she cannot possibly be his real partner and best friend. Many a woman on becoming a widow has discovered that she has not known the first thing about the business affairs of their lives that should have been mutually understood long before. Her helplessness is much in creased thereby.

A man’s life take shim out where the world is moving so it is not difficult for him to meet interesting people and to be interesting in return. The wise man encourages his wife to keep some outside interest and to keep her mind active. He should help her by encouragement “to keep up with the times.”

III. 3. b. The wife must do her share toward making this sociability possible. Unless a woman has a keen mind and good health it is very easy for her to let the daily grind of the “four walls” encompass and engross her so completely that she is not interested in anything outside of them. This she must avoid, for no man can long endure a conversation concerning merely what the children are doing or what the neighbors say.

Every girl should establish a reading habit and then all through life take a little time each day to read good books. It is not hard for a woman to talk if she is alive to world happenings or if she is reading some thought-provoking book. This again takes effort but it is well worth while – much happiness will result therefrom.

III. 4. The weekly playtime is another habit that will do much toward making the wheels of life run smoothly. All work and no play makes Jill just as dull as it does Jack. The custom of men and women separating in their play as in their work is to be very much discouraged.

The habit of being together one evening a week when the courting period may be renewed and where they can be “just by themselves” is a very wise plan. It need not be an expensive treat – yet the very knowledge that each still cares to have a “date” with the other will do much toward keeping the romance of life alive. This should be a weekly affair and should be insisted upon – it will soon be known as father’s and mother’s night.

III. 5. The habit of giving-in is a very good one to form. One needn’t be afraid of losing one’s self respect by acquiring such a habit. Each time one admits a fault or attempts to right a wrong, even though not to blame, one becomes a bigger and a greater person.

III. 6. The Curse of Jealousy.

Many ways of causing conjugal love to grow and increase have been enumerated; there is one sure way of killing it; that is by allowing jealousy to enter and abide in one’s heart. Some people think that jealousy is a part of one’s make up or disposition and that there are those who cannot help being jealous. It is more apt to be a result of extreme short sightedness or selfishness or both.

Those who allow themselves to be jealous lose sight of the fact that the very admission of jealousy is a confession to themselves and to everyone else of their own failure. If their own charms had not failed – the other’s would not now be in the ascendency.

One is often jealous through the sheerest selfishness and there is no room in conjugal love for selfishness.

III. 6. a. Jealousy of her husband’s work is often the first mistake made by a young wife. The sooner she admits to herself that men and women are made differently the sooner will she acquire that composure that will make her life much easier to live. There is much truth in the couplet:

“Love is to man a thing apart;
’Tis woman’s whole existence.”

Woman may not love more than men do, but they love differently. A young wife wants to be eternally with her loved one – a man doesn’t. Ambition to succeed in his chosen line of work, to conquer and to excel, influence a man more than the average woman understands. The very fact of a happy marriage often gives an added zest to his desire to succeed and the young wife interprets his eager attendance to business as proof of his waning love. This is often the beginning of the first deluge of tears and consequent quarrels. What she must know is that his work mus come first – he can’t live eternally on sentiment as many women can – and the more he loves the more he can work, usually. She must be content to be first in his mind when his working hours are past; and to be the great solace nd joy of his deep inner life – there is where she reigns supreme if she is worthy.

III. 6. b. Jealousy of other persons is equally foolish. One sees (or imagines one sees) the loved one paying to or receiving from someone else more attention than one is entitled to. So one proceeds to be furiously jealous of the loved one and in anger makes charges and countercharges that only wound and sear the innocent one. Each should ask himself the question: “If the loved one is more attentive to someone else than to me, whose fault is it?”

However, one should never feel justified (no matter what the cause) in forgetting that one’s allegiance belongs to one’s mate; or in allowing one’s affections to stray where they do not belong. Fidelity and simple justice demand that the marriage tie be honored and protected from the very appearance of looseness.

IV. Love of God the Safeguard.

There is no reason why the home in which the love of God is experienced should not be an entirely happy one. if the man lives and honors his Maker he is apt to love and honor his loved ones and to cherish the family tie. The degree in which the husband honors his Priesthood often predicates the degree of true happiness that may be experience in the home. Here the man is the keynote.

The atmosphere of the home, however, depends upon the woman in large measure; this is her realm, her kingdom, and her spirit usually radiates throughout the entire home. A woman should be master of her life-work, and her actions, and should live so that she always has that indefinable something called “poise.” She should find her greatest joy in being charming first to her husband and her children, to the stranger next. From her the members of the family draw their inspiration and usually find it easy to do what mother does.

Questions.

1. What do you think of a girl who marries with little knowledge of housework?

2. (a) Can a girl learn to do her share toward making a happy home after marriage? (b) When should she learn it? (c) How?

3. (a) Can you learn everything you should about home-making from your mother? (b) Does she have time to teach you? (c) Why doesn’t she teach you reading and other school subjects?

4. (a) If the subjects concerning home-making should be taught in school, what courses would you take? (b) Do you intend to study further on this subject, and why?

5. Are you keeping account of your own money expenditures? How and why are you doing it?

6. (a) Are you as agreeable and pleasant to your family as you should be and how can you improve your disposition? (b) Have you many or few friends and why do you think this is so?

7. How can you prevent jealousy from spoiling your own life and making everyone miserable around you?

8. (a) What do you think is the greatest factor in making a happy home? (b) Do you think the possession of money necessary and why?

9. What are you doing with yourself to qualify as a first-class future home-maker?