Self Defense

Village Grocer: “What are you running for, sonny?”

Boy: “I’m tryin’ to keep two fellers from fightin’.”

Village Grocer: “Who are the fellows?”

Boy: “Bill Perkins and me!”

Cook’s Tour

Butler: “Madam, the new cook has come and she wants to know where she will keep her motor.”

The Animals Appreciate It

A butcher, asked how he came to choose his business, hesitated a moment, and then said, “Well, I don’t know, but I always was fond of animals!”

The Usual Signs

“Has Reggie come home from school yet, Mary?’ asked Reggie’s mother.

“I think so, ma’am,” said Mary. “The cat’s a-hidin’ in the coal house.”

Prolonging It

Two English workmen were discussing the war.

“It’ll be an awful long job, Sam,” said one.

“It will,” replied the other.

“You see, these Germans is takin’ thousands and thousands of Russian prisoners, and the Russians is takin’ thousands and thousands of German prisoners. If it keeps on, all the Russians will be in Germany and all the Germans in Russia. And then they’ll start all over again, fightin’ to get back their ‘omes.”

Vertebraic

Teacher: “What is a spinal column?”

Small boy: “A long, knotty bone running down the mdidle of your back; your head sits on one end, and you sit on the other.”

A Relapse

Murphy was in the hospital and had undergone an operation. As he was recovering he remarked to the patient on his right: “I am thankful that’s over.”

“Oh!” exclaimed the patient, “at my operation the doctor left the scissors inside and I had to undergo the same again.”

The patient on the left remarked that at his operation the sponge had been left and had to be gone over again.

Just as they had finished talking the doctor appeared at the door and asked: “Has any one seen my hat?”

It was then that Murphy fainted.

Too Familiar

She laid her hand lovingly on her husband’s shoulder. He started.

“My dear, would you mind not doing that?” he asked.

“Why do you object, dearie?” asked the wife.

“Well,” replied the husband, “ever since we have owned a car, every time you do it, I think it is a traffic cop.”

The Knittiest Woman

“I never saw a more industrious woman than that Mrs. Crum,” the teacher remarked before the Kentucky mountain boys and girls gathered at the school dinner table. “Why, even when I meet her on the road she pulls her yarn and needles out of her pocket and goes to knitting.”

Teacher’s manifestations of surprise brought forth a volley of ejaculations from the children, each of whom had mother, aunt, or cousin who was equally ardent at wool working.

“Oh,” exclaimed one little fellow, reaching the climax of the discussion. “I had a grandmother who was the knittiest woman I ever knowed. She used to take her knitting to bed with her and every few minutes she woke up and throwed out a pair o’ socks!”

A New Menu

Mistress: “What do we need for dinner?”

Servant: “Sure, ma’am, and I’ve tripped over the rug, an’ we need a new set of dishes.”

Dangerous Predicament

Mrs. Mullins: “What’s the matter, Mrs. Jones?”

Mrs. Jones: “Why, this young varmint ‘as swallowed a cartridge, and I can’t wallop ‘im for fear it goes off.”

Law-Abiding

“What are they moving the church for?”

“Well, stranger, I’m the mayor of these diggin’s, an’ I’m fer law enforcement. We’ve an ordinance what says no saloon shall be nearer than 300 feet from a church. I give ‘em three days to move the church.”

Unanimous

Bill: “Say, do you really like Peter?”

Sam: “Well, he’s got a good heart and means well, but – ”

Bill: “Neither do I.”

Misinterpreted

Mistress: “Did you see if the butcher had pigs’ feet?”

Maid: “No, ma’am, I couldn’t – he had his boots on.”

True

The rain that keeps you from church is no wetter than that which soaked you at the baseball game.

Anxious

Little five-year-old Hilda, watching the big, round moon slowly coming up behind the mountains, gets anxious as she exclaims: “Look! mama! th-the moon can’t get its chin out.”

Where the Art Came In

Frame-maker: “Is it true that the picture you just sold is a genuine work of art?”

Dealer: “No, my friend, but the story I told about it was.”

Embarrassing

Little brother was wearing clean-looking, blue knickerbockers, but there were three or four tawny-colored spots upon the front. Three old maids stopped to admire him, but one expressed wonder that the mother hadn’t patched the bloomers with the same color of cloth.

Little brother overheard and, blushing deeply, explained: “Them ain’t yeller patches. Them’s me.”

No Place Like Home

Neighbor: “Hello, Jenkins! how are you? Haven’t seen you in the garden for quite a time, and you never come and see the wife and me now. Why is that?”

Jenkins: “Well, the fact is, old chap, that it’s not through ill will or bad feeling, or anything like that, you know; only you and Mrs. Possmore have borrowed so many things from me that when I see your place it makes me feel homesick.”

Classic Patent Medicine

The Lean Man: “What made the Tower of Pisa lean?”

The Fat One: “If I knew I’d try it!”