(This compilation hasn’t appeared on Keepa before.

Perfect Cooperation

For several months a jeweler had noticed a man stopping outside his window each morning to check his watch with the jeweler’s clock. One morning the jeweler said to him, “I have noticed you stopping here every morning to check your watch, and I’m glad that I can be of some service to you.”

“I’m the engineer over at the iron works,” the man replied. “I blow the whistle by my watch, which I check every morning with your clock before I go to work.”

“That’s a good one on both of us!” exclaimed the jeweler, “for I set my clock with your whistle.”

-oooOooo-

And then there’s the story of the missionary who wanted all peoples to submit to a blood test, and then preach only to those whose test showed positive to the blood of Israel.

-oooOooo-

When a girl marries a ma to mend his ways, she is apt to find that he isn’t worth a darn.

No Middleman

Amos MacPherson’s wife was ill. Mac asked his friend to run for the undertaker.

“But,” remonstrated his friend, “it’s no undertaker you want. It’s a doctor.”

“Nay, nay,” Mac replied, “I canna afford to deal wi’ middlemen.”

No Defense

Percy: “There may be no marriages in heaven, but how about divorces?”

Harry: “None! There will be no lawyers in heaven.”

-oooOooo-

When it is definitely settled that a thing cannot be done, watch somebody do it.

-oooOooo-

The critic who begins with himself will be too busy to take on outside contracts.

Such Is Life

The worst thing about wisdom is that it can only be acquired on the installment plan.

-oooOooo-

There is as much horse sense as ever, but it is mostly horses that have it.

Two Sides to Every Argument

A handsome, rosy-cheeked old gentleman of about eighty went to a doctor for a general physical examination.

The physician checked him over with great care and reported that he had no cause to worry. “But how do you account for your unusually robust condition at your age?” asked the doctor.

“Well,” chuckled the old chap, “when Mary and I were married sixty years ago, we made an agreement never to quarrel. When I lost my temper, she was to keep quiet. And I promised that when she was in a bad humor, I’d leave the house. And, Doc, I’ve enjoyed a fine outdoor life for sixty years.”

-oooOooo-

Most things in the home today are controlled by switches – except the children.

Suspicious

Conscientious citizen: “I couldn’t serve as a juror, Judge. One look at that fellow convinces me he’s guilty.”

Judge: “Sh-sh! That’s the district attorney.”

Covered Up

“Poor man, he was ruined by untold wealth.”

“How?”

“He didn’t tell about it in his income tax report.”

Word of Caution

Sales Manager: “What’s this big item on your expense account?”

Traveling salesman: “Oh, that’s my hotel bill.”

Sales manager: “Well, don’t buy any more hotels.”

No Argument

A young woman had been trying on hats for some time when the clerk volunteered:

“Now, that is the st becoming hat you’ve tried on so far.”

The customer replied: “I agree with you entirely; it’s my own.”

Wandering Coat

We chuckled at reading the story of Mrs. Eliza Crabb of Lehi, Utah, in our daily paper:

Sister Crabb spent an afternoon at a Relief Society workshop meeting in the Lehi Second Ward, where the project that day was the preparation of rags for rag rugs. Late that afternoon after the job was done, she promised to return in several days to help make the rugs which would be sold at a ward bazaar. But she couldn’t find her coat anywhere in the ward building. She finally went home without it. That night she returned with her husband and he found a button from her coat in the building. The search for the coat was gien up.

And then Sister Crabb made a discovery as she sat at the loom at the next Relief Society work session. Those rags looked familiar indeed. She remembered laying her coat near the rag pile on that first day, and …

Oh, yes, Sister Crabb is now wearing a new coat to Relief Society meetings. She bought it. She also has the old coat, too. She bought the rug at the bazaar.

Insufficient Evidence

Sunday School teacher: “Danny, would you like to live during the Millennium when ‘the lion shall lie down with the lamb’?”

Danny: “Well, I don’t know. It don’t say that the lion is going to lie down with people, too, and also it don’t say where the lamb is – on the outside, or on the inside.”

The Right Slant

One day, a man was walking across a vacant lot where some boys were playing baseball. He passed near the spot occupid gy the left fielder. A little fellow stood there pounding his glove waiting for the ball to come his way.

“Who’s winning, Son?” asked the man.

“They’re ahead of us,” replied the boy with a broad grin.

“What’s the score?”

“They’ve got us seventeen to nothing.”

“Aren’t you disappointed because they’re beating you so badly?”

“No, we ain’t been up to bat yet.”

Quaker Psychology

A gentle Quaker, hearing a strange noise in his house one night, got up and discovered a burglar busily at work. he went and got his gun, then came back, and stood quietly in the doorway.

“Friend,” he said ‘I would do thee no harm for the world, but thee standest where I am about to shoot.”

-oooOooo-

The old miser stomped into the local doctor’s office, pounded the floor with his cane, and whezed: “You’re an old fraud! I came to you in 1904 for a cold, and you charged me three dollars.”

“I cured you, didn’t I?” asked the doctor.

“Cured me!” stormed the former patient. “Look at me! I’m sneezing again!”

-oooOooo-

A little girl was proudly showing her playmates her new home.

“This is my daddy’s den,” she said. “Does your daddy have a den?”

“No,” was the answer, “he just growls all over the house.”

-oooOooo-

As the man was twisting his radio dial, he felt a sudden sharp pain in his back.

“Oh,” he cried, “I think I’m getting lumbago.”

“Why bother to listen?” asked his wife. “You won’t be able to understand a word of it.”

-oooOooo-

Hotel Keeper: “Here are a few views of our hotel for you to take with you, sir.”

Guest: “Thanks, but I have my own views of your hotel.”

-oooOooo-

Diner: “Waiter, the portions seem to have got a lot smaller lately.”

Waiter: “Just an optical illusion, sir. Now that the restaurant has been enlarged, they look smaller that’s all.”

-oooOooo-

“Oh, yes,” said Mrs. Lowell-Cabot, proudly, “we can trace our ancestors back to – to – well, I don’t know exactly how, but we’ve been descending for centuries.”

The “Hard” Truth

A mountaineer and his wife visited the city for the first time. The husband was interested in the street pavements and concrete sidewalks.

Scraping his foot on the hard surfaces, he said to his wife: “I don’t blame them for building the town here. The ground is so hard they couldn’t plow it, nohow.”

Turning a Phrase

Three women, seated on the veranda of a summer resort, were “putting it on” about their respective husbands.

“Your husband is a lawyer, isn’t he?” asked one.

“No,” replied the other, “he’s a barrister.”

Turning to the other she said, “Your husband is a moving picture writing, isn’t he?”

“He’s a scenarist!” was the reply.

“Isn’t your husband a waiter?” they asked the third woman.

“No, he’s not a waiter, he’s a contact man between the customer and the chef.”

—oOo—

Bushby was sorely in need of an extra farm hand, and advertised.

“What’ll ye pay?” questioned an early applicant.

“I’ll pay you what you are worth,” promptly replied Bushby.

The applicant mediated for a minute, then turning on his heel, decisively announced: “I’ll be durned if I’ll work for that!”