Some brand-new/old Funny Bones that haven’t been on Keepa before!

“Is the world round?” a school ma’am asked the little boy.

“No’m.”

“It isn’t, eh? Is it flat then?”

“No’m; Pop says it is crooked.”

-oooOooo-

Poulterer says the male goose is the best behaved of all domestic fowls. Sounds like proper gander.

-oooOooo-

Submarine men are deep thinkers.

-oooOooo-

Mother: “Benny, did you try to remember the Golden Rule today while you were at play?

Benny: “Yes, mother, I did till we played football. Can’t use it there without killing the game plumb dead.”

-oooOooo-

Billy: “Pa, didn’t you tell me that it is wrong to strike anyone smaller than yourself?”

Father: “Yes, my son. It is cowardly as well as wrong.”

Billy: “Well, will you write a note to my teacher and tell her so? She don’t know it.”

-oooOooo-

Mary: “Julia says she has traced her ancestry back to Miles Standish.”

Sara: “That’s easy. Standish is dead, he can’t contradict her.”

-oooOooo-

The part of an auto that causes more accidents than any other is the nut that holds the steering wheel.

-oooOooo-

Teacher: “So you admit that you wrote on the blackboard that I’m a fool. Well, at least I am glad that you are truthful.”

-oooOooo-

Son, coming home from scout meeting): “Pa, I’m a tenderfoot.”

Hard-hearing father: “Son, you’d better go soak it in salt and water.”

-oooOooo-

Teacher: “And why, Tommy, have you been unable to do any outside studying?”

Student: “Gee, teacher, how can you expect a fella to study outside this cold weather?”

-oooOooo-

Teacher (to talkative class): Every time I open my mouth some fool speaks.”

-oooOooo-

When men wear trousers as short as the girl’s dresses they won’t bag at the knees.

-oooOooo-

Young Lawyer (having passed his exams) – “Well, I’m glad it’s over. I’ve been working to death the last few years trying to get my legal education.”

Old Lawyer: “Well, cheer up, my boy; it’ll be a long time before you have any more work to do.”

-oooOooo-

Johnnie (to the new visitor): “So you are my grandma, are you”

Grandmother: “Yes, Johnnie, I’m your grandma on your father’s side.”

Johnnie: “Well, you’re on the wrong side. You’ll find that out.”

Dizzy Doing on the Desk

The pencil has made pointed remarks about the sponge being soaked all day and the waste basket being full. The scissors are cutting up and the paper weight is trying to hold them down while the paste is sticking around to see the stamps get a good licking. The ink’s well, but appears to be blue, while bill is stuck on the file, and the calendar is looking fresher after having had a month off. The blotter is lying around taking it all in. So the typesetter says.

-oooOooo-

A boy who had been absent from school for several days returned with his throat carefully swathed, and presented this note to his teacher:

“Please don’t let my son learn any German toay; his throat is so sore he can hardly speak English.”

-oooOooo-

Soph – “Pass the goat.”

Freshie – “The what?”

Soph – “Why, the butter, of course.”

-oooOooo-

Young Man (to little girl): “How does your big sister like the ring I gave her?”

Little Girl: “Oh, she likes it, but it’s a little too small.”

Young Man: “Surely not.”

Little Girl: “Yes, ’cause she can’t slip it off quick enough when she sees the other fellow coming.”

-oooOooo-

Fashionable lady of her spiritual advisor: “Is it a sin for me to feel pleasure when a gentleman says that I am handsome?

spiritual advisor: “It is, my daughter, we should never delight in falsehood.”

-oooOooo-

Eleanor: “How do you like my complexion tonight, Daddy?”

Daddy (looking at her critically): “It reminds me of my grandmother’s red flannel petticoat, hanging on the back yard whitewashed fence.”

-oooOooo-

“My knees don’t like each other.”

“Why not”

“They’re always knocking one the other.”

-oooOooo-

The only reason a great many American families don’t own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments.

-oooOooo-

“I got a big kick out of it,” said the farm hand who twisted the mule’s tail.

-oooOooo-

Two Jews met on the street in front of one of their stores. “My goodness!” exclaimed Abie. “Vot is dot awful smell? I never smelt a place like this!”

“The place is all right,” said Ikey. “Vot you smell is business – it’s rotten.”

-oooOooo-

Grandmother says that one reason why girls are naughty is because they get the shingle in the wrong place.

-oooOooo-

“Why have you discontinued your morning cold plunge, Bertie?”

“Because I don’t seem to have the time now, Charlie.”

“But Bertie, a cold plunge only takes a few minutes.”

“I know that, but I spend a half hour hesitating about it.”

-oooOooo-

So they gave the vegetable man’s daughter a job in the jewelry store – she knew her carrots.