Greetings, mes amis – it is I, your bewhiskered and pink-eyed friend, your fearless tester of recipes from the Mormon past, returning encore with yet another delightful (?) taste of the wayback.

I, your Little White Lab Rat, was nibbling my way joyously through a stack of old Church magazines in the attic when I found this recipe for Barbecued Salad in the Improvement Era for March, 1964. Why, it is jello, I said to myself, my whiskers twitching. Jello is the lifeblood of Mormon cooking, n’est-ce pas? And who does not appreciate a fine lemon jello with … with … things … set into it? True, these things are only diced celery, not cottage cheese, not shrimp, not hard boiled egg slices, not any of the other delightful additions I have found in other Mormon recipes … but still, things, things set in jello.

I must try this, I said, again to myself.

Here is the recipe, provided via image lest you suppose I have invented that title:

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And here are all the finest boxed, canned, and bottled ingredients, assembled for, well, for assembly. Now control yourselves, mes amis! I do not want to hear any doubter question whether this dish with its one fresh ingredient truly counts as a salad. Do not – do not – tell me this is not your image of the ideal salad bar!

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Here are all the ingredients, opened, measured, diced, and dissolved. Are not the colors attractive? Can you not smell the fragrance of the lemon?

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This recipe challenges no one’s culinary skills. Dump it all together. That’s right, all in the bowl, and stir. Do not notice that it is somewhat difficile to incorporate clumps of spices that do not dissolve. Do not object to the funny brown color imparted by those spices. Dump! Mix!

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Then carefully ladle the “salad” into individual molds, which you have prepared by spraying with cooking oil. Do not be alarmed by this instruction which does not appear in the original. Cooking spray had not been added to the arsenal of kitchen chemicals sold in 1964. Spray! Then chill.

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Unmold your brown beauties heavily speckled with pepper and celery salt by dipping the molds carefully into a shallow pan of hot water. This is where you thank me for the cooking spray. The “salads” will fall easily from their molds.

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And the verdict? What say you of this “salad,” with its single fresh ingredient and all those cans and bottles and boxes? The verdict of your Little White Lab Rat is –

No.

Just don’t. Please. No.

This is basically tomato aspic, which I adore. But the spices in this one overpower everything. There is barely a hint of tomato, nary a hint of lemon. The spices clash with each other, and burn your mouth. It is horrible! terrible! (please read those words in the accent of Little White Lab Rat).

If you go against counsel and make this recipe, at least cut every one of the spices in half. At least.

Really, I do like tomato aspic, without things in it. When the flavors are balanced between the tartness of lemon and vinegar, and the sweetness of the jello and other appropriate seasonings, tomato aspic with Sunday dinner serves the same purpose as cranberry sauce on Thanksgiving: A bite of the sweet/tart salad between bites of meat and potatoes adds a bright note of interest to dinner.

Skip the “barbecued salad,” however, and try this much, much, much, much better recipe:

Tomato Aspic Salad

3 cups tomato juice
1 bay leaf
½ tsp. celery salt
½ tsp. onion salt
1 6-oz. package lemon gelatin
¾ cup water
¼ cup vinegar (I like tarragon or other herbal vinegar)

Heat together 2 cups of the tomato juice, bay leaf, celery salt and onion salt to boiling. Remove from heat. Add gelatin, stirring until dissolved. Remove and discard bay leaf. Add the remaining 1 cup tomato juice, water, and vinegar. Pour into 6-cup ring mold that has been lightly greased with salad oil. Chill until firm. Unmold onto serving plate. Serve with mayonnaise or salad dressing.

Suspending things in your jello is entirely optional.

Anon, mes amis. I, your Little White Lab Rat, shall continue my experiments in old Mormon cooking at the opportune moment. Au revoir!