Here are some jokes we haven’t seen at Keepa before!
“Are you Hungary?”
“Yes, Siam.”
“Den Russia to the table and I will Fiji.”
“All right, pour my coffee and Denmark my bill.”
-oooOooo-
First Flapper: “Is that sheik tight?”
Second Flapper: “I’ll say so. You would have to sue him to make him pay a compliment.”
-oooOooo-
Doctor: “Your husband is in a critical condition – do you give permission to use a local anesthetic?”
Wife of patient: I certainly do. I believe in patronizing home industry.”
-oooOooo-
The only poise some people have is avoirdupois.
-oooOooo-
Chief: “What are the three items of food most needed by humans?”
Gob: “Breakfast, dinner and supper.”
-oooOooo-
Chief: “Give the names of five arctic animals.”
Gob: “A seal, a walrus and three polar bears.”
-oooOooo-
In these flapperish days many a worried married man wakes up to the fact that his wife is not a helpmeet, but merely a help-’im’eat.
-oooOooo-
She: “Wonder what’s the reason that Jones looks so doleful?”
He: “Plenty of reason, he owns a hair-pin factory.”
-oooOooo-
City Cousin to Uncle Hiram at country wedding: “The wedding was perfectly grand, I was glad to see Ella and her husband start off in a veritable ecstasy.”
Uncle Hiram: “Huh! that was the old Ford I had painted over for them.”
-oooOooo-
Small Twin to Grocer: “Please, want a penny’s worth of beans.”
Grocer: “What do you want them for?”
Small Twin: “Mama told us to to poke any beans up our noses while she was gone and we cant’ find any in the pantry.”
-oooOooo-
Teacher: “Who can tell me what is meant by nutritious food?”
Timmy: “Something to eat what ain’t got no taste to it.”
-oooOooo-
Teacher: “Bound the United States, Johnny.”
Johnny (who had not learned his lesson): “There is no north, no south, no east, no west, it’s all ‘our glorious country’.”
-oooOooo-
Mother: “Kitty, I heard you telling Harry that you flew through the air once. Good little girls never tell stories.”
Kitty, aged six: “Well, mama, you say the stork brought me.”
-oooOooo-
They were at sea – the sea was rough,
“You’re not as sick as I,” said she,
“No, but I feel so awful tough,
I’d hate even to yawn,” said he.
A Difference
Some lie beneath the starry sky,
And some there are who never lie.
Height of Modesty
Then there’s the girl who always carries a handkerchief to cover her knees when she sits down.
As Understood
Stranger: “I represent a society for the suppression of profanity; I want to take profanity entirely out of your life, and –”
Jones: “Hey, Mother! Here’s a man who wants to buy our car.”
-oooOooo-
Young Man Musician: “I’m glad you came to recital last night. During the first part of the evening I felt that I was making a fool of myself.”
Old Lady (intending to offer encouragement): “Everybody thinks the same.”
-oooOooo-
The absent-minded man fell into the lake. His rescuers had a hard time to get him out.
When they finally succeeded he thanked them and gasped: “A very close shave, indeed; and the worst of it, gentlemen, I’ve just remembered that I can swim.”
-oooOooo-
Prohibition Officer: “What’s your name?”
Drunk: “Gustaisis Ijbre Hoodligxz Carciytgr Intogefketen –”
Officer (putting book back into pocket): “Well, don’t let it happen again.”
-oooOooo-
’Twas the night before pay day, and all through my jeans
I’d hunted in vain for the ways and the means;
Not a quarter was rattling, not even a jit;
The kale was off duty, the greenbacks had flit.
Forward, turn forward, oh time in thy flight,
And make it tomorrow just for tonight.
-oooOooo-
“Dey had to t’row water on Sam Johnson’s face at his wife’s funeral.”
“Dasso? He done fainted?”
“No, indeed; he’s jes’ an uncommonly sound sleeper.”
-oooOooo-
Father: “Johnny, the teacher says you didn’t do as well in spelling today.”
Johnny: “Well, she gave the word ‘banana’ and I got started and couldn’t decide when to stop.”
-oooOooo-
How dear to my heart I$ the old $ilver dollar, when $ome kind member pre$ent$ it to view; the Liberty head without necktie or collar, and the $trange thing$ which to u$ $eem $o new. The wide $preading eagle, the arrow$ below it, the $tar$ and word$ with the $trange thing$ they tell; the coin of our father$, we are gld we knew it, for $ome time or other ’twill come in right well. The $pread Eagle Dollar, the $tar-$pangled dollar, the old $ilver dollar we all love $o well.