Brand New (to Keepa) Old Jokes from the Church Magazines!

* * *

One sister was crazy about school, the other and younger one was considerably less enthusiastic. One day the older sister suggested, “Let’s play school.”

“All right” returned the younger one grudgingly, “but let’s play I’m absent.”

* * *

When the teacher asked Johnny what George Washington was noted for, he surprised her by replying: “His memory.”

“Why do you think his memory was so great?” she inquired.

He replied: “Well, they erected a monument to it!”

* * *

The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will and the other from a strong won’t.

* * *

Teaching a little boy to read, the teacher wrote the word boy in different places on the blackboard, and each time he read it correctly. Then she wrote it in huge letters, filling a whole section of the blackboard. he hesitated, then, “I guess that must be man.”

* * *

“I can’t get along with my boy friend lately,” complained the teen-ager. “He ignores me, and if there’s anything that makes me mad it’s ignorance!”

* * *

They had been invited to a party, and when at the last moment her cousin, a sailor, dropped in, they took him along.

he proved to be such a talker that he monopolized the conversation to the annoyance of the hostess and her elderly mother, whom he was obviously boring to the point of retaliation. At last he launched into a story of his experiences during the war.

“I was torpedoed in the pacific,” he began. “In fact, I lived for a week on a can of sardines.”

“Really!” exclaimed the exasperated old lady. “Weren’t you afraid of falling off?”

* * *

It was little Billy’s habit, on awakening in the morning, to slip out of his crib and crawl beneath the covers either with his father or his mother. But one day his parents got up early and left him sleeping blissfully in his crib. In a short while they heard piteous shrieks from overhead.

Dashing up to the bedroom, other flung open the door. The little fellow rushed to her arms and, raising his tear-stained face explained: “Mother, I woke up and looked in your place, and you were not there. Then I looked in daddy’s place, and he wasn’t there. And then I went back and looked in my place – and I wasn’t there! Then I was ’fraid!”

They Come in Handy

Ralph Waldo Emerson told Whittier that he had always handled requests for autographs until “the applications came to be counted by hundreds.” Thereafter he had simply ignored them.

“But what do you do when theyh enclose stamps?” asked Whittier.

“Oh,” said Emerson, “the stamps come in handy.”

It All Depends

Mother was chiding Johnny. ‘I was hoping you would be unselfish enough to give your little sister the largest piece of candy. Why, even that old hen will give all the nicest dainties to her little chicks and take only a tiny one once im a while for herself.”

Johnny watched the hen for a while and then said understandingly: “Well, Mom, I’d do the same thing if it was worms.”

Prepared

A Quaker pioneer, walking from his clearing to the meetinghouse, had his trusty flintlock ready. A non-believer accosted him saying, ‘Brother Nathan, is it not your belief that what is destined to be will be?”

“Yes,” answered Brother Nathan.

“Then if all the Indians in the province attacked the meetinghouse and your time had not come, you would not be harmed?”

“No,” answered the Quaker.

“But if your time had come,” pursued the other, “then, no matter what you did, it would do no good?”

“That is right.”

“Then why do you carry your gun to the meeting?”

Gravely the Quaker replied, “On my way to or from the meeting I might see an Indian whose time had come.”

* * *

Louise, a little girl who had begun life in a happy-go-lucky household, went to spend a few months with a very strict aunt.

One evening, after a trying day when she had been scolded more than ever, she knelt for her evening prayer.

This is what her aunt heard as she passed the open bedroom door:

“… make all the bad people good, and all the good people easier to live with.”

* * *

“Well,” said the candidate, “how did you like my speech on the agricultural problem?”

“It wasn’t bad,” replied the farmer, “but a day’s rain would do a heap more good.”

* * *

Two Czech friends had not met since before the new order.

“What are you doing now?” asked Jan.

“I make bricks,” Moe said. “I sell them to Sweden.”

“Fine. That’s a hard-currency country. That ought to be good.”

“Yes, but I don’t get currency. I get steel for the bricks,” answered Moe.

“Everybody needs steel,” said Jan. “You must make lots of money. Where do you sell the steel?”

“I sell the steel to Russia.”

“Fine. Russia can use it. Russia is a hard-currency country. They pay you cash?”

“No, they give me mud to make more bricks.”

* * *

“Here,” said Johnny to his father, “is my report card. And here,” he added triumphantly, “is an old one of yours I found in the attic.”

* * *

A four-year-old girl told her mother that her Sunday School class sang the Amos and Andy song during the morning exercises.

“What do you mean, the Amos and Andy song?” the astounded mother asked.

“Oh, you know,” little Jean answered. “Andy walks with me; Andy talks with me.”

* * *

The stranger found the customers in the barber shop discussing boxing.

“Well,” said a quiet little baldhead3ed man, “I’ve boxed some of the best men in these parts, from heavyweights to bantams, and not one of them ever fought again after I’d done with him.”

“Good heavens!” gasped the stranger to the man beside him. “He doesn’t look like a fighting man at all!

“He isn’t,” grinned the other. “He’s the local undertaker.”