Shopping for a ballpoint pen, the woman was shown one so fine it would write on butter. However, the cost was ten dollars. “Haven’t you anything cheaper?” she asked. “Perhaps one that will only write on margarine?”

-oooOooo-

The luggage-laden husband stared miserably down the station platform at the departing train. “If you hadn’t taken so long getting ready,” he complained to his wife, “we would have caught that train.”

“Yes,” she replied, “and if you hadn’t hurried me so, we wouldn’t have so long to wait for the next one!”

-oooOooo-

My husband, the newly appointed president of our small branch, called on a busy family. Upon entering their home, he jokingly said, “Sister, I’ve come to call you to repentance.”

“Thank goodness,” she replied. “I thought you had come to call me to another job!”

-oooOooo-

Passing our 16-year-old daughter’s bedroom, I stopped short. Books were on her desk, clothing on a chair, and a few miscellaneous things on the bed and floor. I was in a hurry to leave for town but took the time to put a note on her door: “If Jesus were to come today, would you invite him into your room?”

Returning home I found her room tidy, but the following note was on my bedroom mirror: “No, I would invite him into our beautiful clean living room and discuss my other virtues.”

-oooOooo-

Philosophy: Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.

-oooOooo-

Humns – Hymns for which you don’t know the words.

-oooOooo-

At a ward council meeting last fall, we were amused when the bishop of our university ward, responding to the challenge of a visiting General Authority, committed himself to a goal of 80 percent average attendance at sacrament meetings. We were then averaging over 120 percent attendance, with visitors who came to share the social advantages of an all-single-student ward. But the real punch line came a few months later when the membership clerk announced that with an influx of membership records, the percentage had dropped to about 96 percent.

“Well, we’re getting closer to our goal.”

-oooOooo-

My three children are at the perfect age – too old to cry at night and too young to borrow my car.

-oooOooo-

A man stopped at a motel and asked for a room. “Do you want an $8.00 room or a $10.00 room?” asked the manager.

“What’s the difference?”

“The $10.00 room has free TV.”

-oooOooo-

The most incontrovertible statement of the year was made by a 15-year-old on an essay on the subject Prehistoric Times.” “In prehistoric times,” stated the student boldly, “books were very scarce.”

-oooOooo-

The patient visited the physician weekly, complaining about a bad back. There seemed to be no real reason for it, and both patient and physician were puzzled. Then the patient didn’t show up for several weeks, and finally the doctor spotted him in the supermarket.

“I found out what was wrong,” the patient sheepishly admitted. “We got some ultra-modern furniture at the office, and I suddenly discovered I had been sitting on the wastebasket for two months.”

-oooOooo-

When I called to ask my aunt if she could meet me in town for lunch, she said, “Oh, I’d love to, dear, but I can’t. I’m busier than a four-ward Mormon chapel.”

-oooOooo-

Most of the people who claim to be wheels aren’t even good spokesmen.

-oooOooo-

Said one father to another: “Of course two can live as cheaply as one. My wife and I live as cheaply as our daughter in college.”

-oooOooo-

“If all the snow in Alaska were to melt,” said the Texan, “Texas would be the biggest state.”

“If all the snow in Alaska were to melt,” retorted the Alaskan, “Texas would be a lake!”

-oooOooo-

My young son had been home teaching with the bishop. “How was your evening?” I asked. “It was good,” he said. “You know, he talks just like a boy.”

A few days later I met the bishop’s wife. “My husband surely enjoyed going teaching with your son the other night,” she said. “He says he is quite a boy – he talks just like a man!”

-oooOooo-

My husband is one of the few members of his family who belongs to the Church. The last time we visited his family, they good-naturedly kidded him about how much he does for the Church and doesn’t get paid for it.

“No, I don’t receive any money for what I do,” he conceded. But, he added, “Although the wages aren’t too high, it’s the retirement plan that I’m really interested in!”

-oooOooo-

“So you have loved and lost, my boy. Too bad!”

“On the contrary, I came out ahead. She returned all my presents, and accidentally included two from another guy!”

-oooOooo-

Tenant: “Why do you raise my rent when my room is way up in the attic?”

Landlord: “Because you use more stairs than anyone else.”

-oooOooo-

A Beehive girl approached her bishop and said, “I have been reading in the Era about the new simplified geneallergy program. Can tou tell me more about it?”

The bishop, trying not to embarrass her, very gently explained, “The word is genealogy, not geneallergy.”

After a moment of thoughtful hesitation, the girl replied, “That’s OK – an allergy is an itch, and I am itching to get started!”

-oooOooo-

There were smiles in the congregation as the newly returned missionary stood up to give his report and began: “It’s so good to be home and to see you all – Dad and Mom, my little brothers, friends, former mission companions, my girl friend … and her husband …”

-oooOoooo-

Judge: “I shall have to give you ten days or $20.”

Prisoner: “I’ll take the $20, your honor.”

-oooOooo-

Two men were discussing their status in life. “I started out on the theory that the world had an opening for me,” said one.

“And you found it?” asked the other.

“Well, rather,” replied the first, “I’m in the hole now.”

-oooOooo-

The salesman took his young son to the zoo, where they walked from cage to cage until they finally came to one containing a restive leopard. “Daddy,” asked the boy, “is that the dotted lion you’re always talking about?”