It Pays to Know

He: “Would a kiss be out of place?”

She: “Not if you know your place.”

Enjoying the Sights

“And what did your wife have to say when you stood at the pyramids?”

“Wanted to know if I had locked the kitchen door.”

Studied Too Hard

Jeffrey: “So your son has been injured and is coming home from college?”

Briggs: “Yes, he sprained his ukulele finger.”

The Retort Courteous

“You’re not such a fool as you look,” said he.

“No,” she replied; “that’s where we differ.”

No Room for Doubt

Proud Mother (exhibiting baby): “Don’t you see the resemblance? Look at our faces side by side.”

Her Friend: “Nothing could be plainer.”

Some Doubt about It

Bob: “I have just attended the funeral of a woman who has not had a bath in 17 years.”

Dick: “How did they know she was dead?”

Family Likeness

Dabson: “He claims to be related to you and says he can prove it.”

Dobson: “That man’s a fool.”

Dabson: “That may be a mere coincidence.”

A Winter’s Supply

[edited]

Boss: “You good-for-nothing scamp, where have you been loafing all day? Didn’t I tell you to lay in some coal?”

Ralph: “Yes, sir, an’ I’ve been layin’ in th’ coal all day, though there is lots of softer places where I’d ruther lay.”

Naturally

Bellhop (after guest had run for ten minutes): “did you ring, sir?”

Guest: “Mercy, no! I was tolling. I thought you were dead.”

Overdue

A certain country minister posted this notice on the church door: “Brother Brown departed for heaven at four-thirty a.m.” The next day he found written below. “Heaven, nine a.m. Brown not in yet. Great anxiety.”

Quite Willing

An Irishman applied for a job at the gas works.

“What can you do?” asked the foreman.

“Almost anything, sor,” said the Irishman.

“Well,” said the foreman, who was a bird of a joker, “you seem to be all right. Could you wheel out a barrow of smoke?”

“Sure, fill it up for me.”

They Can’t Beat Me

“Why do you rise so early in the morning?”

“I have to get downtown early in order to find a parking place for my car.”

“But do you not then have a good deal of time hanging on your hands?”

“Oh, then I take the street-car home and have breakfast.”

They’ll Go Back

[edited]

“Parson,” said Aunt Caroline, ferociously, “I’d like to kill that low-down husband o’ mine.”

“Why, Caroline, what’s he done?”

“Done? Why, he’s done gone and left the chicken house door open, and all the chickens have escaped.”

“Oh, well, that’s nothing. Chickens, you know, come home to roost.”

“Come home?” groaned Aunt Caroline. “Come home? Parson, those chickens’ll go home!”

Yes

“What is Limburger cheese made out of?”

“Out of doors.”

A Poor Relation

Student: “Has not fortune ever knocked at your door?”

Beggar: “He did once, but I was out. Ever since, he has sent his daughter.”

Student: “His daughter, who is she?”

Beggar: “Why, Miss Fortune, of course.”

Guessed Right

Two elderly men, both extremely deaf, met on a country road. Dave had a fishing-pole in his wagon. When he saw his friend Jim, he stopped the horse. “Goin’ fishin’?” shouted Jim.

“No,” Dave replied. “I’m goin’ fishin’.”

“Oh!” said Jim. “I thought mebbe you was goin’ fishin’.”

History Amplified

Teacher: “Can anyone tell me what Sir Walter Raleigh said to Queen Elizabeth when he placed his coat on the ground for her to walk on? All right, Johnny, you may answer.”

Johnny: “I guess he said, “Step on it, kid.”

A Motto

Police Judge: “With what instrument or article did your wife inflict these wounds about your head and face?”

Mike: “Wid a motter, yer honner.”

Police Judge: “A what?”

Mike: “A motter. Wan o’ these frames wid, ‘God Bless Our Home’ on it.”

Well Tested

Customer (at fire sale): “Are you sure this suit won’t shrink if it gets wet?”

Mr. Epstein: “Mien friendt, effry fire company in dis city has squirted water on dot suit.”

The Squatter

A little fellow left in charge of his tiny brother called out, “Mother, won’t you please speak to baby? He’s sitting on the fly-paper and there’s a lot of flies waiting to get on.”

John How Could You Say It?

Wifey: “John, there is someone in the pantry and I’ve just made a pie.”

Hubby: “Well, it’s all right with me as long as he doesn’t die in the house.”

Insufficient Capital

Saphead: “I’ve half a mind to go into literature.”

Smart: “You’ll need a whole mind to make a success of it.”

In Doubt

Judge (to fat lady): “And why did you strike the doctor?”

Fat Lady: “Well, Judge, he examined me and then said, ‘Lady, this malady of yours is very serious; I don’t know whether to blast or operate.”