These jokes from the old Church magazines are new to Keepa today — they aren’t recycled from earlier posts.

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The five-year-old Indian boy living in our home was having difficulty understanding some of the principles of the gospel. When we explained to him that he would have to be eight years old before he could be baptized, he took a deep breath and replied, “It sure is taking a long time to make a Mormon out of me!”

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When it comes to doing for others, some people will stop at nothing.

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Our grandson was teaching a Sunday School class and using for his text A Marvelous Work and a Wonder, by Elder LeGrand Richards. One morning as he was ready to leave for Sunday School, he couldn’t find the book. Rushing downstairs, he asked, “Has anyone seen the Marvelous Work and a Wonder?” Very solemnly and with deadpan expression his younger brother stood up and announced, “I’m right here. What can I do for you?”

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Dieter’s ((That’s “dieter” as in “one who is on a diet” — nothing to do with President Uchtdorf, I’m afraid.)) Dinner: It’s hard to be eager over something so meager.

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A noted pianist was asked to accompany a young woman who was making her singing debut. The young lady had great ambitions – but unfortunately had had little training. After a frustrating half hour of rehearsal, the pianist cried, “Madam, it’s no use. I play the black keys – I play the white keys – but you apparently can sing only the cracks!”

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When I’m about to get distraught,
There’s one thought which allays:
That soon our urgent heres and nows
Will be “the good old days.”

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The class in American history had been discussing some famous early Americans, among them the founder of Rhode Island, Roger Williams. After class our daughter approached the teacher “Roger Williams was my tenth great-grandfather,” she informed him.

“Anybody can claim to be descended from famous people,” he replied.

“But I can prove it, sir,” she insisted. “In my church we do a lot of genealogy.”

“Humph!” he snorted. “Next you’ll be telling me you’re related to God himself!”

Without a moment’s hesitation she answered, “I certain am. He’s my Father!”

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“Did anybody drop a roll of bills with a rubber band around them?”

“Yes, I did,” said several voices in the bank lobby.

“Well, I just picked up the rubber band,” said the old gentleman, calmly.

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“I hear the men are striking. What for?”

“Shorter hours.”

“Good luck to them. I always did think sixty minutes was too long for an hour.”

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Judge (in dentist’s chair): “Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?”

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A timid knock on the door of the bishop’s office interrupted a Halloween evening meeting. Outside, grotesque in their costumes, were the children of the bishopric. “Trick or treat! Trick or treat!” they shouted. The bishop explained that a meeting was being held and no treats were available.

“That’s what we thought. Have some of ours,” the children responded, as they passed around their paper sacks filled with candy, cookies, and apples gleaned from generous neighbors.

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While waiting for the Tabernacle doors to be opened to admit early arrivals at general conference, a group of Californians was enjoying the falling snow. One young by near them, however, remarked with a shiver, “Faith can more mountains but it can’t open that door!”

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The young boy, reading the evening newspaper, turned to his father and said: “Dad, it says here that a certain man was a financial genius. What does that mean?”

“That means,” the father replied, “that he could earn money faster than his family could spend it.”

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A stake presidency, a high councilor, and a returned missionary were traveling from California’s bay area to Salt Lake City for general conference. Enjoying a midnight snack of canned juices as they traveled over Donner summit, they were startled when the flashing red light of a highway patrol car stopped them. After probing the interior of the automobile, the officer removed his hat, scratched his head, and said, “Five men heading for Reno in the middle of the night drinking V-8 Juice? I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t seen it. What will the Chief say when I report this one?”

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Coed at football game, as team goes into huddle on field: “There they’re at it again! I do hope Bill won’t repeat that story I told him last night.”

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We had just been introduced to the good-looking young ward choir director, a student and returned missionary. The conversation soon got around to his single status. “But aren’t you looking for a nice girl who might become your wife?” asked one of the ladies.

“Why should I go looking?” he asked. “I get more referrals than the missionaries!”

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For a recent fathers’ and sons’ overnight outing, our young deacon son was all packed and ready to go. He had his pack loaded and excess items hanging out from all sides with such luxuries as a folding chair and foam pillow. Before leaving, he cut a small end off a bar of soap. When asked why he didn’t take a whole bar, he replied, “What? And weight down my pack?”

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“I hear your teenage son is really growing.”

“Rather. Two years ago he wore my old suits. Now I wear his.”

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Dentist’s daughter: “Well, dear, have you asked Father for my hand yet?”

Shy suitor: “No. Every time I step into his office I lose courage. Today I allowed him to pull another tooth.”

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Physiologist professor: “This morning we will consider the heart, liver, kidney, and lungs.”

Tired student: “Just another organ recital.”

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“When we get married,” the young bridegroom-to-be said, “we’re going to have a good cook in our house.”

“I didn’t know your girl could cook,” his friend remarked.

“She can’t,” was the reply. “Her mother is coming to live with us.”

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There is little chance for people to get together as long as most of us want to be in the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the middle of the road

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The best way I know of to win an argument is to start by being in the right.

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The young kindergartner came home bearing a prize she said she had won for knowing how many were in a dozen. “I told them 14,” she explained.

“But,” her father said, “there are only 12 in a dozen.”

“I know that now,” she said, “but then 14 was the closest.”

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Note to first-time visitors from LDS Living: We post a column of jokes from the old Church magazines every Saturday. If you haven’t had enough corn for one morning, visit the link list here for one-click access to Keepa’s hundreds of columns of jokes, arranged by year of original publication. Enjoy!