A Rose by Any Name

“When I got out of college, the dean told me that there was an opening in the world for me.”

“And did you find it?”

“Yes, I’m in a hole right now.”

Understatement

“There’s a terribly large cavity in your mouth,” said the dentist.

“Yes, I know,” replied the patient; “you’re looking down my throat.”

Definition

Cynic: A person who speaks from a coldly logical mind instead of a warmly human heart.

Audible References

Second hand car salesman: “This car is sound in every part.”

Prospective buyer: “So I hear.”

Plenty of Room

“Now that I have my degree from college, I’m looking for a large field in which to exercise my talents.”

“Well, the forty-acre field is about ready for fall plowing.”

Front Row, Center

“Oh, Mother,” exclaimed the little girl,” just see that man! He hasn’t a hair on his head. Isn’t it sad!”

“Hush! He will hear you.”

“Oh, doesn’t he know it?”

Also a Capitalist

“What is a plutocrat?”

“A man who can get his hair cut the day before pay day.”

Cause for Alarm

“Why did they stop running around together?”

“Nobody knows.”

“Oh, how terrible!”

Mileposts of Civilization

“How fast will your car go?”

“Oh, about sixty billboards an hour.”

Seasonable

“Does your hotel room have hot and cold water?”

“Yes, hot in summer and cold in winter.”

The Half Plus

Rastus: “Well, Sam, how is your better half this morning?”

Sam: “She’s better, but you is sure careless with your fractions.”

Never Bother Trouble

“Why worry, my boy? Worrying can’t help you.”

“That’s so, and I can’t help worrying, either.”

Maybe So

Nell: “Mary must be very soft-hearted. She weeps at the slightest provocation.”

Jennie: “Not necessarily – think what a block of ice does.”

Point of View

“Don’t you like the cheese? It was imported from Switzerland.”

“It tastes more like the Swiss deported it.”

Right Angles Necessary

“I had a tough battle to get into society!?”

“Had to keep your chin up?”

“No, just my nose.”

Repetition

Daddy: “Don’t you know it’s bad manners to answer a question by making another?”

Bernie: “It is?”

That’s It

“Dad, what is a counter irritant?”

“A person who shops and shops and doesn’t buy a thing, my son.”

Practice Makes Perfect

“Your cough sounds much better this morning,” said the doctor in a complimentary tone.

“Why shouldn’t it?” rasped the disgusted patient. “I’ve been practicing all night.”