Better than Nothing

Steno: “I have an awful cold in my head.”

Boss: “Well, that’s something.”

True Love

“Have you ever loved before?”

“No, John; I have often admired men for their strength, courage, good looks or intelligence, but with you it is all love, nothing else.”

It Takes Years of Training

Dad – “Son, I never knew what it as to kiss a girl until I courted your mother. I wonder if you will be able to say the same to your children.”

Son – “I think so, Dad, but not with such a straight face as yours.”

On Schedule

Iva: “Conductor, does this train stop at San Francisco?”

Conductor: “Well, if it doesn’t, lady, there’s going to be a tremendous splash.”

True to Form

Hubby: “Darling, bad news. The doctor said he’s going to remove my gallstones, my appendix, my tonsils, my – ”

Wife: “Hold on. That’s enough out of you!”

A Tramp’s Wish

“And are you really content to spend your life walking about the country begging?” asked the old lady severely.

“No, lady,” answered the tramp. “Many’s the time I wished I had a car.”

Closely Watched

Minister – “I do wish I could think of some way to make the members of the congregation pay attention to me when I’m preaching.”

Son – “Why don’t you put the clock right behind the pulpit?”

Only One Thing More

Uncle: “Well, Anthony, I may as well tell you, I have taken out a $50,000 life insurance policy in your favor. Could I do anything more for you?”

Nephew: “Nothing more on earth, Uncle.”

The Limit of Friendship

The case had come to a close and the loser asked his lawyer what his bill would be. “Well,” remarked the attorney patronizingly, “your father and I were old friends and I’m only going to ask you $250.”

The victim made out the check and handed it over. “All I’ve got to say,” he remarked, “is, I’m glad you didn’t know grandfather.”

A Hummer

Old Maid: “Has the canary had his bath yet?”

Servant: “Yes, ma’am. You can come in now.”

Too Late

Blond – “Dearie, I know it’s none of my business, but I want to warn you about going around with Wilbur Gussengoose. If you aren’t careful you’re apt to get a bad name.”

Brunette – “”I’ll have you know that Wilbur is a very nice young man. In fact, he proposed to me and we were married yesterday!”

Blond – “Just as I feared! Your name is Gussengoose now, isn’t it?”

The New Candidate

“The other party has been robbing you for ten years; now give us a chance.”

Which?

Mary: “Do men like talkative women or the other kind?”

Jim: “What other kind?”

Lousy Joke

“Little boy, do both of your dogs have licenses?”

“Yes, sir! They’re just covered with them.”

Something to Be Grateful For

Jack: “Quick, doctor, do something! I was playing a mouth organ and swallowed it!”

Doctor: “Keep calm, sir, and be thankful you were not playing a piano.”

To the Tattooed Sailor

Doctor: “Sorry, son, but I had to sink three battleships before I could get to your appendix.”

Some Imagination

Teacher: “Johnny, can you define nonsense?”

Johnny: “Yes, teacher – an elephant hanging over a cliff with his tail tied to a daisy.”

The Retort in Kind

She (sarcastically, to stranger at same restaurant table): “I hope you won’t mind my eating while you smoke.”

He: “Certainly not, lady, so long as I can hear the orchestra.”

Dangerous

“Can I interest you in an attachment for your typewriter?”

“Nothing doing! I’m still paying alimony on account of the attachment I had for my last one.”

No More Labor Trouble

Professor: “So you think you could end all unemployment, do you? And how, if I may be so bold as to inquire?”

Student: “Why, I’d put all the men on one island, and all the women on another.”

Professor: “And what would they be doing then?”

Student: “Building boats.”

Wrong Motif

Clerk: “So you don’t want this green dress?”

Black woman of ample proportion: “No, Sir, not me! I’d look too much like a ton of coal in a lettuce patch.”

Serious Charge

“You naughty thing,” screamed a little girl as she saw a cat carrying a kitten by the nape of its neck, “You ain’t fit to be a mother! Why – you ain’t hardly fit to be a father.”