Now, Will You Be Good?

Ruth: “Yesterday I saw five men standing under one umbrella and not one of them got a drop of water on himself.”

Emminger: “Big umbrella?”

Ruth: “No. It wasn’t raining.”

A Statistician

Teacher: “Johnny, if five sheep were in a field and one jumped out, how many would be left?”

Johnny: “There wouldn’t be any left. You might know arithmetic, but you don’t know sheep!”

March History

A teacher was telling her class little stories in natural history, and she asked if anyone could tell her what a groundhog was. Up went a little hand waving frantically.

“Well, Tommy, you may tell us what a groundhog is.”

“Please, ma’am, it’s a sausage.”

Might Be Appropriate

Mrs. Newlywed: “Oh, Jack! What can we give mother for a birthday present?”

Husband: “How about a nice traveling bag?”

Present and Future

“My boy, think of the future.”

“I can’t; it’s my girl’s birthday and I must think of the present.”

That Explained It

Diner: “Here, waitress, take this chicken away; it’s as tough as a paving stone.”

Waitress: “Maybe it’s a Plymouth Rock, sir.”

Wow!!

Coo: “Do girls really like conceited men better than the other kind?”

Miss Boo: “What other kind?”

A New Insect

And did you know they’ve discovered a new insect called the golf moth? It does eighteen holes in a day.

Tommy Knew

Teacher: “What is ignorance, Tommy?”

Tommy: “Ignorance is when you don’t know anything and somebody finds it out.”

Entirely Effective

Butcher: “Did that beef liver I sent over to your house last week do for the whole family?”

Bjones: “Very nearly. the doctor is still calling.”

Dangerous Cure

Doctor: “The thing for you to do is to stop thinking about yourself. Lose yourself in your work. By the way, what is your occupation?”

Patient: “I’m a cement mixer.”

He Bleeds Words

Buck: “Can you give me a definition of an orator?”

Private: “Sure. He’s the fellow who’s always ready to lay down your life for his country.”

Misunderstood

Boogy: “Did I tell you about the awful fright I got on my wedding day?”

Woogy: “Shame on you. No man ought to speak that way about his wife.”

Good Advice

Waitress: “May I take your order, sir?”

Ogdonelle: “Yes, two hard boiled eggs and a kind word.”

Waitress (returning in five minutes): “Here are the eggs.”

Ogdonelle: “That’’s fine. now what about the kind word.”

Waitress (whispering): “Don’t eat the eggs.”

Never Says Darn

One advantage a bachelor has over a married man, he can put his socks on from either end.

A Use for Cowhide

“Tommy, can you tell me one of the uses of cowhide?”

“Er, yessir. It keeps the cow together.”

In the Flea Circus

In amazement I watched the trained flea do his stunts.

“Did you educate that flea yourself?” I asked the man.

“Yes,” he replied proudly. “I raised him from a pup.”

Another on Sandy

Then there was the Scotchman who, when asked what he had clenched in his fist, answered: “My wife’s false teeth – she’s been eating between meals.”

Well Laid Out

Agent Slick: “Well, what do you think of our little town?”

Prospective Buyer Tyte: “Frankly, this is the first cemetery I ever saw with street lights and fireplugs.”

Rabbit’s Foot Luck

Tom: “Why do you carry that rabbit’s foot about with your money?”

Frank: “For luck.”

Tom: “Had any yet?”

Frank: “Yes. My wife put her hand in my pocket last night and thought it was a mouse.”

Straight from the Shoulder

She: “You remind me of the ocean.”

He: “Wild, romantic, restless –?”

She: “No, you just make me sick.”

How He Knew

Helen: “How is my dog different from the planet Mars?”

Blazes: “Well, how?”

Helen: “We know my dog is inhabited.”

Pleasant Remedy

Little Girl (playing at being a dentist): “You have a cavity in your tooth. What shall I fill it with?”

Tommy: “Chocolate!”

At the Chicken Ranch

City Visitor: “Which is correct, to speak of a sitting hen or a setting hen?”

Farmer: “Don’t know and don’t care. What I’d like to know is, when a hen cackles, has she laid or lied?”

All Over

Policeman (at scene of murder): “You can’t come in here.”

Reporter: “But I’ve been sent to do the murder.”

Policeman: “Well, you’re too late; the murder’s been done.”

Playing Safe

A traveling man was talking to the proprietor of a jewelry store. “I see your sign reads ‘A. Fraud, Jeweler.’ that sounds bad; why don’t you use your full given name?” he asked.

“Well,” replied the proprietor, “my full name would sound worse: it is Adam.”

All Wet

Ogdonelle: “Are you sure this suit won’t shrink if it gets wet?”

Bernstein: “Mine friendt, effery fire company in this city has squirted vater on dot suit.”

Mercy Needed

Miss Elderleigh: “Why, I don’t want these photographs; they don’t do me justice.”

Photographer: “Justice? Lady, you don’t want justice. You want mercy.”

A Weak Mind

Percy (timidly): “I have half a mind to kiss you.”

Roberta: “If you had a whole mind you’d have done it an hour ago.”

Boy Who Made Good

“What do you regard as the best speech you ever made?”

“I haven’t any preference,” answered Senator Sorghum, “but the ones that afforded me most satisfaction were my various speeches of acceptance.”

In Reverse

Little Cuthbert: “I can never tell which is ‘d’ and which is ‘b’.”

Bettina: “Oh, that’s easy. The ‘d’ is the one with its stomach at the back.”

Tight Grip

A woman went into a shop to buy a collar for her husband.

“What size?” asked the clerk.

“I done forget the size,” replied the woman, “but I kin just manage to reach around his throat with both my hands.”

Versed in Parlor-Mentary Law

Harold: “I understand John’s wife is an excellent authority on parliamentary law.

Michael: “She ought to be. She’s been ‘speaker of the house’ ever since they got married.”