Snuff

Dumb: “I’ve got a cold in the head.”

Patient: “Well, that’s something.”

War!

“I hear the country is starting a campaign against malaria.”

“What have the Malarians done now?”

A Paradox

Since I have been buying on installments, the months are shorter and the years longer.

Camping on the Game Trail

Mrs. Jones: “Do your daughters live at home?”

Mrs. Smith: “Oh, no! They aren’t married yet.”

Retribution

Keen, but nervous amateur: “I say, old chap, what shall I do if they ask me to sing?”

Candid Friend: “Do? Why, sing, of course – it’ll be their own fault.”

Start Work at Once

Rufus: “I’ll give you ten dollars to do my worry for me.”

Goofus: “You’re on. Where’s the ten?”

Rufus: “That’s your first worry.”

Headwork

The teacher of a physiology class was lecturing on the scalp.

“What is dandruff?” he asked.

“Chips off the old block,” replied a student.

Reciprocity

Pat – “Oi wouldn’t throw ye a rope if ye was drownin’.”

Mike – “Oi wouldn’t touch it if ye did.”

Stringing the Popsichord

Eloping Lena – “Oh, darling, I’m afraid papa will be all unstrung.”

Clever Clive – “That’s all right, dearest, we’ll wire him.”

For Lamb Week

Diner– “Waiter, what kind of meat is this?”

Waiter – “It is spring lamb, sir.”

Diner – “I thought so! I’ve been chewing on the spring for an hour.”

Danger Signal

Rastus – “Is dat lovelight whut Ah sees shinin’ in yo’ eyes, honeylamb?”

Mirandy – “Lovelight, nuthin’! Yo’ jes’ watch yo’ step. Dat’s mah stoplight.”

A Good Combination

Arthur – “Dear, didn’t you notice that the sauce at the hotel last night tasted of furniture polish?”

Martha – “Yes, darling. But it went well with the cabinet pudding.”

An Intelligence Test

Wise – “Where do the jellyfish get their jelly?”

Guy – “From the ocean currents, I guess.”

A Punched Ticket

Conductor: “Tickets please.”

Passenger: “Can’t I ride on my face?”

Conductor: “Yes, but I’ll have to punch it!”

What Golf Does

Niblick – “My wife says if I don’t give up golf, she’ll leave me.”

Putter – “Gee, that’s hard luck!”

Niblick– “Yes, I’m surely going to miss her.”

Strangely Strangled

Judge – “You claim Mr. Winstead nearly strangled you and he declares he was on the other side of the court at the time. How can you account for that?”

Leon – “He threw an egg at me while I was singing through a megaphone.”

The Boy Knew

“What bird is it,” asked the teacher, “that is found in Africa, and, although it has wings, cannot fly?”

After some hesitation a boy put out his hand. “Well,” said the teacher, “what is it?”

“Please, sir, a dead bird.”

Caution

Early to bed and early to rise
Keeps your roommate from wearing your ties.

Tid-Bits

Tell us this: Is a sleeping bag a knap-sack?

A bullfrog’s mother thinks he’s beautiful.

Sooner or later, the man who will stop at nothing reaches it.

A lot of nice, fat turkey gobblers would strut less if they could see into the future.

In many cases Thanksgiving would be much more healthily enjoyed if it came before election.

Most holiday dinner repartee comes under the head of chestnut dressing.

The bigger the summer vacation the harder the fall.

It takes four weeks for a proper vacation: two weeks to get poached and two weeks to peel.

Unmerited Punishment

Mother – “Come, Freddie, and kiss your Aunt Martha.”

Freddie – “Why, Ma? I ain’t done nuthin.”

Danger

The Girl – “While you are asking daddy, I’ll play something jolly on the piano.”

Her Beau – “I shouldn’t. Some people can’t keep their feet still when they hear music.”

Good Exercise

Book Agent: “Now that your boy is going to school you ought to buy him an encyclopedia.”

Silas: “Not on your life! Let him walk, the same as I did!”

Oooooooch!

“Goodness, gracious,” said the sweet young thing, looking at her Grandma’s wedding ring, “what heavy, unwieldy things they used fifty years ago!”

“Yes, my dear,” replied Granny,”but you must remember, in those days they were made to last a lifetime.”

Before and After Taking

Man Taking Census: “And what is your husband’s name, madam?”

Mrs. Flannigan: “Pat.”

Man T.C.: “But I want his full name.”

Mrs. F.: “Well, when he’s full he thinks his name is Dempsey, but when I get through with him he’s just plain Pat again.”